Guest Post by Dov Bear
Apparently, evil, anti-Semtic FBI agents have been sent by the Jew-hater in charge, Barak Hussein-From-Nigeria Obama, to arrest Eliyahu Weinstein a most holy and upright Jewish man from Lakewood on trumped up charges of fraud, money laundering, etc.
This is an outrage, a travesty and also a golden opportunity for me to cash in. I invite you to please join me in the great mitzvah of defending the indefensible, as follows:
For just $25 American dollars I promise to say 3 prayers every single day in which I will call upon Almighty God to undo this grave miscarriage of justice and return Eli Weinstein to the arms of his loving family. I will also throw in some impossible-to-ignore blessings for Zion, Justice, and 16 other wonderful things at no extra charge.
For just $50 American dollars, I promise to send Eliyahu Weinstein’s defense team $40 American dollars. I understand that for those of you in the grips of Satanic forces it may seem like funneling the money through me is an unnecessary, extra step. Unfortunately those of you who have reached this self-evident conclusion are deranged, dangerous, and probably heretics besides. Trust me. God wants me to wet my beak.
For just 100 American dollars, I promise you multiple yeshuos and nechamos. Your fat, ugly, daughter will get married; your pimples will clear up; your cholent will never spoil; and your herring will always stink just as herring should. Oh, and Eli Weinstein will also get out of jail free. Guaranteed. Note: There is no time-frame. If none of this happens tomorrow, perhaps it will happen the next day. And if your fat, ugly daughter dies a spinster, rest assured the chuppa will take place in heaven, with all the angels as bridesmaids, and Moshe Rabaynu as mesader kedushin. You can trust me on this; also to doubt me is to doubt God, so beware.
For just $500 American dollars I will arrange to have three bloggers dedicate all of their Torah learning to the merit of Eliyahu Weinstein. Though it should be clear to you that a Lakewood resident like Eliyahu Weinstein has more merits then he will ever need, I really could use the 5 large. By the way, I do not plan to share any of the dough with the other bloggers, and would appreciate your keeping our arrangement on the QT.
DO NOT DELAY Every extra second it takes for you to send me money is an extra second that poor Eliyahu Weinstein must languish in jail with no access to his watches and cars.
Thanks in advance and may all your Torah wishes come true.