A bonobo monkey went to the doctor. “You are 98.7% human,” the doctor told him. “It can’t be,” the monkey cried in disbelief. “The humans are killing each other on a massive scale, and destroying my habitat in the process.”…
Tag: schwartzie
The fables of Schwartzie: Part 1
A bonobo monkey went to the doctor. “You are 98.7% human,” the doctor told him. “It can’t be,” the monkey cried in disbelief. “The humans are killing each other on a massive scale, and destroying my habitat in the process.”…
Fiction: Bad Company
My dybbuk isn’t such a bad guy. Sometimes he helps me out of tight spots, like the time in Yiddish class when my morah asked me to give a presentation in front of the whole grade. I was sweating bullets…
Schwartzie Visits the Upper West Side
I don’t do well on the Upper West Side. Now, I know what you’re thinking- you’re asking yourself how it could be possible that a man like me isn’t the toast of the town over there in the epicenter of…
Cain and Abel in a new light
The story of Cain and Abel spans only about four psukim in Bereishis, but something tells me that there must have been more to the world’s first murder. Here is some of the subtext as it might have occurred in my family.
Shabbos Torah with Schwartzie
I hope this can be a weekly thing, I force an off the derech dude to learn some torah and in turn, I actually learn what parsha it is this week. By Schwartzie Hello, children, and welcome back to another…
My Tatty Used To Put Me Over His Knee In Shul…and now I hate to daven
My Tatty Used To Put Me Over His Knee In Shul and now I hate to daven. By Schwartzie Granted, the fact that I was repeatedly spanked in public isn’t the only reason I hate to daven. Take the fact…
This Week’s Movie Review: Jewish Ritual Murder Revisited
By Schwartzie While the title of the movie sounds promising enough, the documentary film “Jewish Ritual Murder Revisited” is ultimately a let-down, as director Mark Farrell inexplicably bungles what should have been a sure-fire hit. In the documentary, Farrell sets…
When our Rebbe taught us about anal sex
On Love and Marriage By Schwartzie I remember the day in ninth grade when my rebbe was faced with the awkward task of explaining the concept of anal sex. “Ah, boys,” he told us, “lets say you have some thieves,…
Sins that I would have committed in biblical times
Another guest post by my man Schwartzie – this is hilarious! Aveiros that you, I, and nobody would have committed in the times of the Torah. Aveira that you would have committed: Stay behind in Mitzrayim and get smitten in…