A bonobo monkey went to the doctor. “You are 98.7% human,” the doctor told him. “It can’t be,” the monkey cried in disbelief. “The humans are killing each other on a massive scale, and destroying my habitat in the process.”…
Author: schwartzie
Schwartzie is from the midwest, but lives in Queens - like most good writers he needs a girlfriend and a job. I would have had him writing for me years ago if I knew he wrote as well as he cooked.
The fables of Schwartzie: Part 1
A bonobo monkey went to the doctor. “You are 98.7% human,” the doctor told him. “It can’t be,” the monkey cried in disbelief. “The humans are killing each other on a massive scale, and destroying my habitat in the process.”…
Fiction: Bad Company
My dybbuk isn’t such a bad guy. Sometimes he helps me out of tight spots, like the time in Yiddish class when my morah asked me to give a presentation in front of the whole grade. I was sweating bullets…
Derech, schmerech. Pass the shrimps.
I heard there’s a lot of hullabaloo around here about why people “go off the derech”, and anger, and backgrounds, and all kinds of naarishkeit. Fine. Do what you’ve got to do. Now, normally, I’d stay out of this kind…
Jimmy Carter Forced to Apologize to Jews, AIPAC Celebrates Job Well Done
And the Jews had light, and happiness, and joy and honor. Yes, we had all those things and more when President Jimmy Carter sheepishly apologized for insulting our sensibilities and for having the chutzpah to voice his very own perspective…
Schwartzie Visits the Upper West Side
I don’t do well on the Upper West Side. Now, I know what you’re thinking- you’re asking yourself how it could be possible that a man like me isn’t the toast of the town over there in the epicenter of…
Two Scenarios in Which I Meet God (After 120 Years)
Children, children! Yom Kippur is coming and we all owe the Oibeshter a little something. Maybe you spoke loshon hara, chas v’sholom, maybe you brushed your teeth too hard on Shabbos and caused yourself to bleed, or maybe you had…
Cain and Abel in a new light
The story of Cain and Abel spans only about four psukim in Bereishis, but something tells me that there must have been more to the world’s first murder. Here is some of the subtext as it might have occurred in my family.
When our Rebbe taught us about anal sex
On Love and Marriage By Schwartzie I remember the day in ninth grade when my rebbe was faced with the awkward task of explaining the concept of anal sex. “Ah, boys,” he told us, “lets say you have some thieves,…
Sins that I would have committed in biblical times
Another guest post by my man Schwartzie – this is hilarious! Aveiros that you, I, and nobody would have committed in the times of the Torah. Aveira that you would have committed: Stay behind in Mitzrayim and get smitten in…
I’m going to date a shiksa
I’m Going to Date a Shiksa By Schwartzie If someone doesn’t hook me up quick, I’m going to date a shiksa. Twenty-six years I’ve been looking for my basheret, and not an ounce of help from anyone. No, I don’t…