JewHoo was a Yahoo knockoff portal site popular among, well, Jews in the 1990s. The one timeless archive is the jokes section, the jokes which surprisingly there weren’t a whole lot of. Here they are.
From the Great Beyond
For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the séance parlor of Madame Freda. “Milty, she’s a real gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them! Last week I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace. Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your zayde who you miss so much!”
Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next séance at Madam Freda’s Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side. All were humming, “Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom.”
Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. “My medium…Vashtri,” she called. “Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel” Milton Pitzel’s zayde?” Milty swallowed the lump in his throat and called, “Grampa? Zayde?”
“Ah, Milteleh?” a thin voice quavered.
“Yes! Yes!” cried Milty. “This is your Milty! Zayde, are you happy in the other world?”
“Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your bubbie together, we laugh, we sing. We gaze upon the shining face of the Lord!”
A dozen more questions did Milty ask of his zayde, and each question did his zayde answer, until “So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask.”
“Zayde,” sighed Milty, “when did you learn to speak English?”
A Man and His Amazing Dog
A man walks into synagogue with a dog. The shammas (caretaker) comes up to him and says, “Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can’t bring your dog in here.” “What do you mean,” says the man, “this is a Jewish dog. Look.” And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis* bag round its neck.
“Rover,” says the man, “daven!”. **
“Woof!” says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis* bag, takes out a kipa*** and puts it on his head.
“Woof!” says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.
“Woof!” says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur**** and starts to daven.
“That’s fantastic,” says the shammas, “absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make a million dollars!!”
“You speak to him,” says the man, “he wants to be a dentist.”
*** skullcap; also called a yarmulke.
Begging for Business
In old Russia, two beggars sat next to each other in a district where few Jews lived. One held a sign saying “Please help the war veteran”, and the other holds a sign saying “Please help a poor Jew”.
People pass by and even those who didn’t intend to give money to either of them, give to the first beggar to upset the Jew. Finally, one day a good man passes by, gives money equally to both, and then says to the Jew: “Why don’t you change your sign? Don’t you understand that nobody will give you any money?” and walks away. As he goes, the Jew turns to the other beggar and says: “Chaim, he would teach us business…”
A spaceship lands on Mars, and the astronauts are getting ready to go out when they look out the window and see something really weird. Radioing Earth they yell: “Houston, we’ve got a problem, there’s a bunch of fully-bearded green Martians wearing black clothes, sidecurls and hats out there.”
“Go out and make contact, find more about them”, was the reply. So they did, and when they approached the group one of the astronauts asked: “Do you all dress like that?” “Oh, not at all, reply the Martians, Only the orthodox ones!”
The Power of Prayer
During Sabbath services the Rabbi kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, “Before you oh Lord, I am nothing.”
The Cantor looks at him, thinks it couldn’t hurt, and kneels, puts his forehead to the floor, and says, “Before you oh Lord, I am nothing.”
Ben Shapiro in the fifth row is watching this and thinking that it was a pretty good idea, so he goes in the middle of the aisle, kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, “Before you oh Lord, I am nothing.”
The Rabbi nudges the Cantor. “Look who thinks he’s nothing!”
Join Our Church for 50 Bucks
During the Great Depression, two Jewish guys are walking down the street when they happen by a Baptist Church. They see a big sign posted that says, “join our church and you get fifty dollars.”
One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, “Murray, what’s going on?”
“Abe,” replies Murray, “I’m thinking of doing it.”
Abe says, “What are you, crazy?”
Murray thinks for a minute and says, “Abe, I’m going to do it. The kids need shoes and I have to put food on the table.” With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out an hour later with a wet forehead.
“So,” asks Abe, “did you get your fifty dollars?”
Murray looks up at him and says, “Is that all you people think of?”
Four Old College Friends
Four old college friends were having coffee. The first, a Catholic woman tells her friends, “My son is now a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father’.”
The second Catholic woman chirps, “My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him ‘Your Grace’.”
The third Catholic lady says, “My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he’s called ‘Your Eminence’.”
Since the fourth woman, a Jewish lady, sipped her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle “Well…?”
So she replies, “My son is 6′ 6″.. he has plenty of money… broad square shoulders… terribly handsome… dresses very well… tight muscular body… tight hard buns… and a very nice bulge… and whenever he walks into a room… women gasp, ‘Oh, my God…’.”
A Piece of Matzah
A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A rabbi sits down next to him. The
rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzah. Taking pity on the blind man, he
breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man. Several minutes later,
the blind man turns taps the rabbi on the shoulder and asks, “Who wrote
The Town Sage
A young student prided himself on his ability to confuse the wisest of
scholars. Once, when he was surrounded by his friends, he sought to prove
his self-asserted cleverness; he asked the town sage, “What was the first
thing Eve did when Adam came home late one night?”
The sage responded, “She counted his ribs,”
Rivkah Green from Denver
Rivkah Green from Denver decided to go on vacation to Miami in the 1920’s. Upon arriving she attempted to check her baggage and settle into a quality hotel.
The concierge told her, “Sorry, there’s no vacancy.” Just then, a man and his wife suddenly checked out.
Rivkah exclaimed, “Thank G-d! You now have a room.”
“Sorry”, the man behind the counter replied, “This hotel is restricted.”
“And what does that mean?” she asked him.
“Jews aren’t allowed here!”
“Well what makes you think I’m Jewish?” Rivkah shot back.
“I know you are!”
“Well, I’m not! I’m a Catholic! ” she insisted.
“So tell me, ” the man replied, “Did G-d have a son?”
“What was his name?”
“And where was he born?”
“In Bethlehem, in a stable.”
“And WHY was he born there?”
“Because a shmuck like you wouldn’t rent his parents a room!”
An elderly Jewish lady is leaving the garment district to go home from work. Suddenly a man who has been walking towards her, stands in front of her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes her. Unruffled she takes a look and remarks, “This you call a lining?”
But… I am Amish!
A woman is riding a bus in the Midwest, when a man gets on the bus and sits down next to her. He’s wearing a black hat, long black coat, black slacks and shoes, and he has a long curly dark beard.
The woman looks at him disgustedly. “Jews like you,” she hisses at him.
He looks up at her, puzzled, and says, “I beg your pardon, madam?”
She says, “Look at you. All in black, a beard, never take off your hat! It’s Jews like you that give the rest of us a bad name.”
He says calmly, “I beg your pardon, madam, but I am not Jewish. I’m Amish.”
The woman looks back and smiles, “How nice. You’ve kept your customs.”
A Special Gift
There was a young man, who was known for his lack of study and the rabbi of the congregation, was not about to let this go unnoticed. He performed his Bar Mitzvah, and rose to the occasion as best he could, with the minimal lack of preparation.
When it came time to hand out the gifts, to the young lad, he received the usual Kiddush Cup, and Bible, from the congregation.
But then the rabbi, added a special gift. He said, “You have received many gifts today, many treasures of Indiums in book form, that will enrich your life, and make it, holy, in the eyes of Hashem…and now for my own special gift to you”, with that he pulled out an UMBRELLA, from behind the lecturn, and told the boy, who had become a man, in the previous half
hour, “I present you this umbrella, because, I WANT TO GIVE YOU A GIFT THAT AT LEAST I KNOW YOU WILL OPEN!”
Home for the Holidays
A Jewish parent calls his son in New York. The father says to David, “I hate to tell you, but your mother and I can’t stand each other anymore, and we are divorcing. That’s it!! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I am telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn’t go into shock later when I move out.”
The father hangs up, and David immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news.
The sister says, “I’ll handle this.” The sister calls Florida and gets her father on the phone. She pleads to her father, “Don’t do ANYTHING ’til David and I get there! We will be there Friday night.”
The father says, “All right, all right already.”
When the father hangs up the phone he hollers to his wife, “Okay, they’re
coming for Rosh Hashana. Now, what are we going to tell them for Passover?”
Just before Rosh Hashanah, a man hears that in San Francisco there’s a gay synagogue. He’s very excited, as this sounds like what he’s been yearning for. He gets there, and sure enough, there’s a gay cantor and a gay rabbi, and the congregation too is mostly gay. He joins in the service, but is terribly distracted by the handsome young man sitting next to him.
(There’s really no good place to put a divider in a gay synagogue.) Finally, he gives into temptation and puts his hand on the young man’s knee. Immediately two large men wearing leather jackets under their tallises rush over, pick him up, carry him out of the sanctuary, and toss him down the stairs onto the street.”Why did you do that?” he cried. “I thought this was a gay synagogue.””It is,” replied one of his ejectors, in a deep voice. “But nobody messes with the rebbitzen.” *
*The title traditionally applied to the rabbi’s wife.
The Power of Prayer
Ben Cohen is a devoutly religious man who believes in the power of prayer. His house is caught in the rising waters of a devastating flood. A row boat comes by to rescue him; he refuses it because he waits for his God to save him. As the waters rise Cohen climbs higher and higher up his house, refusing each successive boat that comes by. Finally he drowns and goes to heaven. He complains bitterly to the Lord that he was such a good Jew and yet the Lord had forsaken him “How can you say that?” the Lord retorts. “I sent four boats for you!”