100+ Things Yeshivish Parents Tell Their Children

  1. Kosher fake bacon was created by a ger.
  2. Goyim are all stupid.
  3. All Goyim are out to get/ kill you.
  4. You won’t get a (good) guy if you don’t go to seminary.
  5. You can only read holocaust books/ churban stuff on tisha bav or you’re doing it wrong.
  6. “When you walk by a church make sure you spit by it, or you can’t look at it” . You also have to say the appropriate Possuk:
    Devarim 7:25 שַׁקֵּ֧ץ ׀ תְּשַׁקְּצֶ֛נּוּ וְתַעֵ֥ב ׀ תְּֽתַעֲבֶ֖נּוּ כִּי־חֵ֥רֶם הֽוּא
  7. Don’t say secrets on the phone, because, there are government agents who are listening. These agents are also hiding behind tress and under rocks. They are waiting to Chap Yidden. (The truth is Obimbo/Obozo/Ovomit WAS listening.)
  8. Vaccinations cause autism.
  9. Only Goyim eat fleishigs for breakfast.
  10. The US government / state of Israel is required to support us, because, we learn Toiroh all day and make this country successful.
  11. The Bais Yaakov principal taps the phones, so don’t talk to boys. (My cousin actually thought that growing up.)
  12. It’s OK to take extra from government because:
    1. – the payments are calculated for an average US family. Since we have greater expenses (e.g. kosher, S’char Limud, Shul membership, Sheitels etc.) we need more.
    2. – Better we should take than <minority-of-your-choice> .
  13. There’s a magical being so powerful he created all existence and reality but also he cares about what you eat and wear and do on specific days of the week and if you do.
  14. Everything your leaders tell you to, you’ll be rewarded, but only after you die but we promise it’s definitely all true. But most importantly he’s very concerned about what you do in the bedroom.
  15. It’s a segulah to have erlech children if you keep taaris hamishpacha… mashiach is coming tomorrow. mashiach will always be coming tomorrow when mashiach comes all the Goyim will be killed or beg to serve us.
  16. Dogs will bite you.
  17. If you say ובכל בני ישראל לא יחרץ כלב ושינו the big bad scary dogs won’t bite you.
  18. All dogs are scary, and want to bite you (believed that for way too long).
  19. If you flip the lights on and off too much it’ll start a fire.
  20. if you whistle on Shabbos it summons demons.
  21. if you don’t believe in ayin hora it wont affect you. That advice now costs you only $101 to the Ayin Hora lady. Cash or check?
  22. Playing ball on Shabbos is Goyish (for some reason it was always fine for boys to, and I never got an answer when I asked).
  23. Someone finally gave the source they didn’t give in camp (I think Tur Shimon was a shchunah in Beitar): “The Midrash (Eichah Rabbah 2:4) says that this is why Tur Shimon was destroyed:
    טור שמעון הוה מפיק תלת מאה גרבין ולמה חרב אי תימא מן הזנות והלא לא היתה אלא ריבה אחת והוציאוה משם אמר רב הונא משום שהיו משחקים בכדור בשבת “Tur Shimon would distribute 300 baskets to the poor. Why was it destroyed? If it’s because of harlotry, there was just one [such] girl in that town, and they had sent her out from there! R’ Huna said: because they would play ball on Shabbos.”

    It should be noted that Yerushalmi Taanis 4:5 cites this story in regard to Beitar, and it cites it without the word בשבת. Karban HaEidah explains that either the text should be emended to match the Midrash, or it means that it was destroyed because they played ball regularly, i.e. instead of learning Torah” https://judaism.stackexchange.com/questions/5546/ball-playing-on-shabbbos (In those days, when people played ball, it was like the way the Greeks did, e.g.—it was shirts and skins, with no shirts) pants specifically made for women are beged ish, but high heels, which were originally worn by men, aren’t.
  24. A Goy might slip chazer in the milk so we don’t eat OUD.
  25. If you leave your food for a second a Goy will put treif in it.
  26. I do it because my parents did it and their parents did it and you’re not smarter than them?
  27. Parnassa is decided on roish hashaneh so it doesn’t matter how little you work, you will make whatever was decided you cant gain weight on Shabbos.
  28. Our imahos got them as wedding gifts but nose rings aren’t tzniusdik.
  29. All the smarts in the world are in the Torah.
  30. All the music in the world came from the Bais Hamikdash.
  31. Yidden aren’t shikkers…..( sorry, thats awfully serious). because — newsflash Mom: i’m a shikker.
  32. [insert bad thing here] doesnt happen in our community.
  33. Nothing bad happens in the frum community. Drugs/ molestation, what is that even? only if Goyim do it to us. every other sect is crazy/not really Jewish.
  34. MO is sooooooo bad, I legit had to teach myself that it was ok when I decided that I identified more with that “sect.”
  35. They had no idea there were drugs in those suitcases.
  36. Ohel is a wonderful organization.
  37. Don’t dry your hands on your clothes, you’ll forget Torah and / or make you poor.
  38. The Israeli army only succeeds because of the men learning in kollel.
  39. We should just bomb all the Arabs.
  40. Sports are Goyish.
  41. Women are closer to HaShem.
  42. The shidduch system works perfectly. unrelated question, how do we solve the shidduch crisis?
  43. How many time did YOU hear about the woman thats walls of her house never saw her hair?!?
  44. The outside reflects the inside.
  45. Not being able to hug your wife after a miscarriage is fine and will help your marriage and bring you so much closer.
  46. Pouring lead over your head is good luck.
  47. If you eat treif, it will make you sick.
  48. You will take on the personality of the non kosher animal you ate.
  49. And here I thought bal tchuvahs created fakon.
  50. Don’t look at the Christmas lights because you don’t wanna get enjoyment from something tameh.
  51. Christians use fake lights for their version of chanukah but we use candles which are more real for some reason.
  52. Hitler was a demon and had chicken feet. that’s why he never took off his shoes in public, which is totally a well known fact about Hitler that sets him apart from any other politician, who of course would be barefoot constantly.
  53. Kosher food tastes better.
  54. Frum men respect women more than Goyim.
  55. Goyish men only see you for your body. frum men only see you for your brain. unrelated point, get a professional photographer and makeup artist for your shidduch resume photo and we’ll get back to you if he wants to find out literally anything else about you.
  56. Eating on Shabbos doesn’t count.
  57. Pets are Goyish.
  58. Dogs (German shepherds) are basically Nazis.
  59. Everything in the torah is literal unless it’s proven that it can’t be, although science is probably wrong anyway.
  60. Atheism is a religion because they *believe* there is no god.
  61. The eye proves we cant have evolved spontaneously, even though humans don’t have the best vision of any creature and the world was supposedly made for our benefit only.
  62. Every invention in the world was made for the benefit of frum Jews.
  63. Unrelated warning: here is a list of the technology that will spiritually kill you pigs try to trick Yidden into believing they’re kosher with stretching their split hooves, because they wanna be eaten, i guess.
  64. Anyone not Frum has lower standards in every area.
  65. The torah had secret references to 9/11. too bad no one cracked that code before it happened.
  66. The kipa/yarmulka guards your head so the seichel doesnt leave you thru the baldspot in the middle.
  67. Lashon harah stops your tefilos from reaching hashem. Unless it’s ‘לתועלת’ ,in that case you can say whatever the hell you want.
  68. Enjoyment of the natural world is a distraction from lomdus. Bad things will happen.
  69. Arena sports were hashems way of distracting the Goyim long enough to not pogrum.
  70. You’re gonna burn in Gehenom…
  71. Madonna is a gilgul of Izevel.
  72. You can’t open bottles of soda on shaboss.( then passes the bottle to me to open).
  73. If you speak to boys, you’ll get pregnant.
  74. During the Gulf War 39 rockets were launched into Eretz Yisrael and the only casualty was a guy who r”l drive his motorcycle on Shabbos……. While thousands of pedophiles remained unmolested(see what I did there?)
  75. If evolution is real why doesnt toilet paper come alive (direct quote from my mother).
  76. “Ahhh, nuuuuuh, if evolution is real then how come there are still monkeys??”
  77. How can wolves and dogs exist at the same time? that doesnt count.
  78. You wouldn’t look at a 747 and think that a tornado put it together by chance.
  79. If you found a watch in the desert would you think it just evolved there?
  80. “Darwin, yimach shemo….. the biggest rasha merusha that ever lived!”
  81. …he decided not to go, so he missed the plane and didnt die!!! baruch hashem. what a nes. only Goyim died. hashem rewards people when they keep Shabbos 🙌.
  82. Hashem made a miracle and she survived the holocaust. no reason to mention the six million who apparently didnt deserve miracles.
  83. Dinosaur bones are fake and made up by scientists.
  84. Dinosaur bones only look that old because they were beaten up in the mabul.
  85. Dinosaur bones were put there as a test from hashem.
  86. We use candles on chanuka and the christians want to outshine us so they use electric lights which are more attention grabbing but less pure. this is a perfect metaphor.
  87. Hollywood is Goyish and Nobel prize winners are Jewish, even though Hollywood probably has more Jews.
  88. Scientists are stupid and don’t know what they’re talking about but religious scientists are automatically geniuses.
  89. Cheeseburgers are worse than child abuse.
  90. Hashem always answers your tefilos! it’s just that sometimes the answer is no. sorry, parents of terminally ill children.
  91. Women have amazing intuition. women are too stupid to be witnesses.
  92. Don’t cut your nails over the floor or someone will step on them. Miscarriages RT”L.
  93. If you don’t cover the mirrors after a person dies, the soul will get distracted by the sight of their reflection. i have no questions about how a non-physical being can see their non-physicality in a mirror, or how in fact they can see anything without eyes.
  94. You need to bite down on fabric while taking the tags off new clothing because ?? [edit: because it proves that you’re not dead.]
  95. The reason we have a philtrum (indent above your upper lip/under your nose) is because a malach teaches every jewish baby all of torah and then taps them there so they forget it. really makes you wonder why non-jews have it too.
  96. Shout “L’Chiam” whenever glass shatters.
  97. Purim teaches better values than Halloween because on Halloween Goyim TAKE candy. On Purim we GIVE candy.
  98. Three year olds were older back then. Would you give water to my camels?
  99. (Ultra) Orthodox Judaism is the most feminist religion.
  100. Here’s the strategy. Always, always compete with Goyim – first, by belittling anything Goyish, then by claiming that yiddishkeit got there first or did it better. Logical? No. Common? Oh yeh.
  101. Elvis was a Shabbos Goy and thats where he got the inspiration for his music
  102. Everything in the world was made to serve Frum Jews.
  103. From Christians to watermelons.
  104. The worst Yid is better than the best Goy. (Actually a Jew can sink much lower …)
  105. YU is a Goyish college. It’s worse than a Goyish college.
  106. In a Goyish college, one knows they’re Goyim & not to believe anything. Uber YU pretends to be Jewish & one may chas v’shaloim come to believe thier kfirah.
  107. The GR”A wrote Ayil Meshulash in the bathroom.
  108. Only Goyim wear jeans.
  109. Sex is for Goyim. Jewish mommies and tatties have children because they love each other.
  110. Girls that drink Havdalah wine will grow hair in unwanted places (e.g. mustache, beard and chest).
  111. Impossible meat is terrible because the only reason it exists is to tempt Yidden with the taiyveh (desire) for forbidden milk and meat, and so it’s just giving into your physical desires and you shouldn’t even want to have a cheeseburger, and you should be so revolted by the idea of a cheeseburger, you shouldn’t even want one with fake meat.
  112. If you whistle on Shabbos it summons demons
  113. If you whistle indoors you become poor (okay it’s a Russian saying, but lots of Russian Jews believe it).