How not to get stuff removed from a website

retardDisclaimer: I felt this issue was important enough of a mussar lesson to come out of retirement briefly. As you surely know, most people don’t realize I’m in retirement, there are still several thousand folks actually reading the drivel I wrote throughout the years and I still like to read my fan mail and pretend like I’m some famous blogger still. Anyways, I received a very angry email the other day from the creator of Halachipedia.com and I felt that he could use some advice and mussar, because he demonstrated clearly that he only cares about halacha and not about that whole “being a nice person” type of stuff. I know the halacha doesn’t clearly state that you don’t have to be a schmuck, but no one, not even Hashem – likes assholes.

Dear Editor of Frum Satire,

I’m the editor and owner of halachipedia.com. I saw this post (https://www.frumsatire.net/2011/12/20/halachipedia-com-becomes-one-big-machlokes/) you put up regarding halachipedia a few years ago and while I wasn’t happy about it then, I am even more unhappy that it is still up and appears on google to this day when halachipedia is searched. The first accusation that it is written by a bachur from YCT is false and motzei shem raah to those who do work hard on making this a great website to help people learn. Please remove this page and in truth I’d like an apology for the motzei shem raah you spread about the site and me.
Kol tuv,
Yitzchak Sultan
Dear Yitzchak Sultan,
I appreciate that you are looking out for my neshama, I love that you’ve taken to the streets with the Chofetz Chaim’s lesson a day stuff, but did you really think that the best way to remove a 4 year old satirical post would be to insult me. Don’t worry, I’m not actually insulted, but I wanted to give you a few tips for the next time you try to figure out how to improve your SEO and front page (above the fold mind you) google results for halachipedia.
1) Be Nice: As long as you realize that most bloggers, web page managers, and content writers are actually very receptive towards page removals as long as they receive a nice and pleasant request. You don’t ask anyone a favor in a harsh way do you? I’ve had very nice phone conversations with a number of people, including some pretty popular Rabbis and Kiruv propagandists who asked very nicely for things to be taken down. I’m even receptive to mussar (when it’s not in attack mode) but negativity and assholery will get you nowhere. If I were to remove any post after an email like that, I would be selling out the entire blogesphere.
2) Compliments go a long way: Instead of starting starting off with the accusations, you can inflate my ego by claiming (even if I know you’re full of shit) that you’re a big fan of my blog and were in the same shiur as my father in Lakewood. After that, the attack on me will not be as harsh, I may even have a smile on my face.
3) Remember to come armed properly: I got an email once asking me to remove a very popular video, the guy obviously realized that a video with 30,000 views would not be so easy for me to remove because of one guys opinion, so he offered to buy me out. He threw $150 in paypal and asked very nicely.
4) Don’t be an asshole: If someone emailed you about how offensive it was that Halachipedia¬† switches between Tuf’s and Suf’s and asked you to switch to either one because it was like putting a stumbling block in front of a Jew, what would you do? You would probably tell them to write you an apology…If you ask someone for a favor, try not insulting them, regardless of whether you think it’s your halachic responsibility. Obviously, based on your inability to decide whether it should be Tznius or Tzniut, you are the one who need to apologize. If I sell out my fellow bloggers, there better be money involved. Fine, you can send me a shas.
5) Never ever ask for an apology: First off, if you ask for an apology it’s not a real apology. Second, you just asked some asshole blogger to do you a favor, do you really think he’s going to apologize for something he doesn’t think is wrong?
If you were mad about the post back in 2011, why didn’t you say anything? Why wait 4 years (multiply by 100 in internet years) to complain? Sounds like you just started to figure out your SEO to me. You do realize that in the real world there are professionals that do this sort of thing for a living.

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