Nebbachs and kiddush hoppers on high alert after missionary is ousted

jews on christmasThis past week, an upstanding member of the nebbishe community in Baltimore was ousted as a closet missionary. The nebbish community has been put on high alert as they fear retributions. Now the worldwide community made up of older single men, childless couples, tomche shabbos recipients, and those who like to sample “all” of their community’s weekly cholent offerings is banding to together in a rare show of achdus to help each other out. In a stunning discovery, the man ousted was viewed as both a hocker and a Neb at the same time, due to his uncanny kiddush hopping abilities he was loved by the hockers, but only as much as they could love an older single possibly gay neb.

For thousands of the years the Nebbishe community has endured heartache, pain, poverty, shidduch crisis, and the shame as being those people who perpetually overstayed their welcome. In the times of the gemara, they were simply kicked to the curb, but as the Yidden adopted liberal lifestyles and strayed from the path of rejecting those who didn’t match their hashkafa’s, they started welcoming Nebs to the community with open arms. Soon there were communities full of singles and childless couples who became even more hated because they didn’t have to pay yeshiva tuition. The ,liberal influence has forced the community to not only accept Nebs, but to open our homes to them, regardless of how off color, unholy, and smelly they are.

While the Nebbishe community is fighting allegations of Christian Missionaries hiding out in their midst, the regular community of frum and ehrliche Yidden is rejoicing that they have an excuse at least for this shabbos to not invite the latest in Nebs to be showing up at shul for a free meal. Kiddush hoppers on the other hand are being suspected as well, according to my sources – many of them don’t even go to shul to daven. Rather, they show up at the end, pretend to blend in by disturbing the davening of people they know and pretend they were there the whole time by making disparaging comments about the laining or drash.

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