10 reasons why I would to be a meshichist

moshiach is on the wayThere is obviously something compelling about being a rebel, it’s not too hard in this day and age, but being a rebel in the frum community is a bit harder. Sway too much to the left and you won’t be considered frum, sway too far to the right and you will have to hang out with holocaust deniers in Iran. However, once in a while there is a group of Jews that is kind of centrist, yet so extreme that no one really knows any other reaction than anger. The only group of Jews that releases such hatred, anger, and yet no cherem or proclamation from anyone at all, are the supposedly minor group of Chabadnicks who believe that the Rebbe is Moshiach. Within the community, they are known as yellow flaggers, Yechi, and meshichist, outside of the community it is assumed that all or most of chabad belongs to the community(their Rebbe worship makes it hard to refute). Yet, for some reason this group carries on with its chanting, its antics, its lunacy, and I can honestly say that if I was a chabadnick, I would definitely wave that yellow flag and chant Yechi Hamelech at every chance I got. 

10 reasons to be a meshichist

1. Yechi Hamelech is the ultimate phrase: It seems to make life so much simpler, instead of random responses to things you can just say “yechi hamelech” I guess it’s kind of like the all inclusive “Baruch Hashem”, yet it includes popular frum phrases like “kol tuv”, “100%”, “we’re staying and eating by”, and “im yirtza hashem by you”. In some circles “Yechi Hamelech” also includes LMFAO, IMHO, TTYL, and STFU. Who wouldn’t want to shout out such an inclusive word all the time.

2. Yechi the Niggun: It’s generally agreed amongst most frum Jews that chabad niggunim suck, in fact I distinctly remember my fathers friend telling me that they had an in depth discussion about this in the Sfardishe shul in Boro Park in the 1950’s. Whoever thought to take the only good chabad niggun (besides for the one they use for the end of shabbos musaf kedusha) was brilliant, a big yasher koach to Parizhe, or whoever the founding member of the meshichists. Yechi Adoneinu tune is really one that gets stuck in your head and can be sung to anything. It works perfect for aleinu, lecha dodi, adon olam, and ahsrei.

3. Yellow Flags: Look around at chabad, they have pretty much monopolized the lamo department in their color scheme, sure the Hecht dynasty wears red yarmulkes, and I’ve seen Mendy Pellin in Brown, but that does nothing when compared to big yellow moshiach flags flying proud everywhere. I always wondered that if meshichists were really a minority, how did they end up with better marketing and better advertising in Crown Heights than anyone. They even dominate the banner ad space in 770.

4. 770 Control: Everyone knows that the small, insignificant, splinter group, known as the meshichists has somehow dominated the scene in 770 for some time and with good reason. The meshichists make 770 fun. There’s nothing like believing that the Rebbe is going to show up at any time, it makes those long yuntiff davenings more exciting. The women are so hard to see, which makes staring at the empty chair so much easier, so you can be sure to be the first to glimpse the Rebbe. I think we can all agree that the Rebbe’s office where the antis hang out is crammed and super lame compared to the real deal.

5. Simchas Beis Hashoeva: Consistently known as the best place to pick up drugs, underage off the derech girls, and black market Rebbe mikvah water, the chol hamoid succos simchas bais hashoeva’s are the crowning achievement of the meshichists. Everyone shows up and dances with these so called apikorsum until the wee hours of the morning and you know what? No one burns any moshiach flags, all the snags, satmar chassidim, and modernishe BT’s sing yechi together and it’s one big happy family. Supposedly, the antis control the simchas beis, but without Yechi being sung to techno tunes it’s just not the same.

6. Elitism: Look, if I believed my rebbe was moshiach you had better believe that I would be an elitist MFer. Satmar, Bobov, Viznitz, they can all go on eating their moshiach-less sherayim for all I care, but one day, when the Rebbe reveals himself in the form of Charlie Buttons, all those streimlach and spudicks will be turned in for favor of the crushed black hat. Can you blame anyone for being proud? These guys are sitting on top of their little worlds, as long as they aren’t disappointed when moshiach turns out to be some modernishe guy from the YCT semicha program.

7. Shlichim need hope for an end to their suffering: Let’s be honest for a moment here, if the your rebbe wasn’t moshiach, how on earth would they be able to convince perfectly reasonable people to give up their normal frum existence for a life of no contact with frum people or friends for eternity? How else would shlichim be convinced that getting 5 people to light shabbos candles in their 40 year stint as shlichim in Fargo or Appalachia was worth all the good they could have accomplished back in a regular city.  Contrary to popular belief, shlichim aren’t funded, aren’t automatically given nice cars as donations or fancy mikvahs, they work their asses off and I think it would be a whole lot easier if you at least knew the Rebbe was giving you the big thumbs up from that yellow flag.

8. Passion: If you thought regular chabadnicks were full of passion, next time you need to shake a lulav on the fly make sure that you find someone who’s obviously a yellow flagger. Not only will they passionate about getting you to make a bracha, give some tzedaka, and dedicate your life to the Rebbe, but they will also probably make you say Yechi Adonenu with as much passion that any televangelist praises the lord on Sunday morning in podunk Alabama. Meshichists are louder, drunker, crazier (especially those Tzfatim) and generally more aggressive than regular lame closet meshichists that can’t show off about their moshiach.

9. Irrefutable proof: Meshichists are fed a lot of information about how to prove their points and further their cause, they kind of remind me of 9/11 conspiracy theorists, everyone tries to disprove them, but in the end they don’t really care. If you become frum through chabad, your chances of becoming a meshichist are that much higher because there’s nothing like joining a cult and gaining acceptance right away. All you need is a bag full of proofs that most people lack the knowledge to debate and a Yechi yarmulke. I wonder if non-meshichists are taught the counter proofs as to why the Rebbe’s not moshiach, I wonder this because you never really hear non-meshichists arguing the proofs against the Rebbe being moshiach. Is it any wonder that anti-meshichists are really in the closet when they have answers like “he could have been moshiach” or “I wish he was the moshiach”.

10. Your own club: I’ll be the first to say that I’m a bit jealous of that little chabad club thing going on, the token gartel guys in shul with the crushed hats nodding towards each other. The random cousins in far off vacation towns with open invitations, the hot sheitles, the sexy wives, the yichus, but the true club is the meshichists. It’s like a secret language because so many people are hostile to meshichists even within chabad. My friend told me that he was somewhere recently and busted out a yechi, everyone sang along and I was shocked of course because “I had never known or suspected” and he said “it’s like a secret society man“. Who doesn’t want to be in their own club?

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