A Heartfelt Kick in the Tuchas

by Chaya Miriam Fried

When I got married, I had to leave behind some single friends as well. Some made my joy their joy, and the rest, well…fuck me for finding happiness, right? I should’ve just invited them along on our wedding night out of solidarity. I was painfully single not long ago too, but I have almost no sympathy for this girl because she insists on blaming everyone for Hashem not introducing her to her bashert soon enough for her taste.

It hurts me that some of you have never suggested a shidduch for me. I’m not a shadchan, a Rolodex, a headhunter, or G-d. What makes you think I have a bank of single men that I want to hook up with a bitter woman like you?

Some of you may have tried at times, but it seems that it has probably been a year if not more. Oh, you mean those you turned down, the ones you’d already met before, the ones that just didn’t click with you? Don’t you have other friends?

It hurts me that some of you have never asked me for my resume. How old are you that you don’t know how to promote yourself? Do you go to job interviews and wait for an engraved invitation to hand over your resume there, too?

It hurts when you keep talking about your children. It reminds me that I don’t have children. I want you to know that I am trying to befriend your children and even try to find a place in my heart for them, because you are my friend… Please don’t constantly talk in to them in the baby talk, give them hundreds of kisses, and use our hanging out time as a time to teach your children how to navigate the playground.

You’re right. We should just change the subject and ignore small, formative human beings in our midst so we can hear all about your fascinating life of waiting and doing ZERO with your life in the meantime. I’m sorry; maybe I should let you run every conversation since you know what’s appropriate and what’s not. The more I read this crap, the more I think you’re the user in the relationship.

You say you don’t know anyone for me or that you are not good at doing shidduchim.. But here is the thing.. You must know someone…Or…you must know someone who knows someone….If you needed stitches chas v’ shalom, would you be ok with me saying that i don’t know how to sew up a deep gash? How would you feel if I said that I don’t know any paramedics/plastic surgeons either, and then hung up the phone? It may seem not exactly the same, but it is the same. Think about it. Actually, I just don’t know how to handle crazy desperate people that can’t seem to generate a life for themselves without pissing on my happiness. How would you feel if I said that I DO know a good psychotherapist?

Please don’t throw out the same shidduch suggestion every couple of months and then never make attempts to work on it. That’s just teasing me. I worked on it and he said no. Did you want me to tell you that, or is that off-limits too?

Don’t give me a name and then tell me to call one of the busiest, most difficult to get through to shadchanim in America to get them to push it. This may come as a shock, but they have never suggested a shidduch for me. When they met me, they may have even thought… “I don’t think I’ll be reading this one a shidduch any time soon…” Because she can smell crazy a mile away.

Don’t talk about how your suggested a shidduch for someone else…Don’t say how badly someone else needs a shidduch when she is my age and you have never expressed the burning desire to find me a shidduch. Maybe I’m trying to share a story about how someone with GOOD middos found someone. Maybe you should listen to the story.

On numerous occasions many of you asked me to push shidduchim for my brothers. Or you called to ask me what my brothers are looking for. It hurts me that you don’t seem to care about me. Did you ever push a shidduch for me? Yes, I have. He said no. Again, there are things you just don’t want to know.

You have called to ask me about different girls and never expressed interest in my shidduchim. Ouch!!!

Closing remarks: If you can’t speak up for yourself, how are you going to get married? Let me guess; you’re one of those girls that have the wedding all planned out but haven’t given a thought to what happens when you go home, right? What are you going to do when you disagree with your husband on something? What are you going to do when the kinder come along? You need to grow up FAST, and get some hobbies. Nobody wants to go on a date with a girl that has no life beyond waiting for the next date.