Foil the NSA with these Kippot

Foil KippotFoil KippaThe gedolim were right all along. The Internet should be assur! Nothing good comes from it. It is full of depravity, impurity, and lust-invoking materials. It’s even worse than we thought. According to recent reports, the government knows all the naughty sites you’ve been looking at. And you thought no one noticed.  Deleting your cookies won’t help. Clearing your browser history doesn’t help either. They know what you are doing online, and they’ll tell your wife if you don’t pay your taxes in full. Rabbis beware, you are not safe from the snooping either. The NSA could post your online browsing records and your congregants will know what kind of menuval you are too.

Leave it to the frum scientists who came up with the Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie to save the day. You think the AFDB was invented to prevent the psychics from mind reading, but it was really developed by the Tzomet Institute as a passive filter to prevent the internet reading spies at the government from deciphering your browsing and cell phone records by messing up the signals.

The picture above shows the Breslov prototype (Na Nach Nachman text to be embossed before shipping). There is a Mitnachalim version that is even larger and will be embossed with tanks. Charedi versions will of course come in the 4 or 6 panel design, with or without the velvet button. Modern Orthodox versions will be much smaller and fold easily for carrying in your pocket during the week.

Despite being a new technology, I heard some of the gedolim have recommended it to be used by frum pedophiles, child predators, and day school rebbes. They have been asked to wear some aluminum under their kippas just in case they happen to be surfing the web (if they have a heter for parnoso, of course). You can never be too safe when it comes to protecting the reputation of our most respected community leaders. Online privacy is especially important for them.

We at Frumsatire expect some silly KickStarter knock-offs to include sweat bands, fabrics, and cutouts for your tfilin. But we still think there’s nothing like wearing the original Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie to show that you can ward off more internet tumah than a bag wearing kohen on a plane. I’m wearing mine while writing on this blog so the NSA can’t see what’s open in the other windows.

Find other ways to block people from knowing you are a menuval at 4Torah.com

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