Ebay yanked my auction for my portion in Heaven because “We don’t allow listings that aren’t offering anything for sale or those that have intangible items (generally things don’t physically exist).” I take this as proof that Olam Habaah (Heaven) does not exist.
But for those of you who do still want it, below is my sales pitch, feel free to bid on it right here.
“Okay sure, I went off the Derech. But even the worst Rasha only goes to Gehenom for eleven months, and that’s without anyone saying kaddish for them. I have seven(!) brothers, I’m sure a couple of them will outlive me and say kaddish for me. I’ve done my fair share of Aveiros, but I have a decent amount of unassailable Mitzvos under my belt as well. I was a good student all through yeshiva, never broke any Halachos – and was even careful about Minhagim – until my early twenties, I am now a vegetarian, so I don’t eat any real treif (anymore), and being that I’m an atheist, I don’t worship Avodah Zoroh. I have dedicated a lot of time and effort to fighting molestation in the Frum community, I served in the US Army, where I was the Jewish Lay Leader on my base in South Korea for a year, and when I was deployed to Haiti in 2010 immediately after the earthquake I saved countless lives (I realize they’re goyim, but still – they’ve gotta count for something).
So all in all I think my Chelek in Olam Habaah is definitely worth a pretty penny. Don’t be a cheap Jew, and fork it over like it’s Maftir Yona. Remember – you’re bidding on an eternal reward in heaven!
The winning bidder will receive a signed contract, guaranteeing my timeshare in Shomaim, and an additional signed contract guaranteeing that I will not become a bigger Baal Aveira than I am now, and that if I become a Baal Teshuva (don’t bet on it), I will pay the fair market value for the return of my Olam Habaah.
Thank you, and happy bidding.”
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