10 things that don’t lead to mixed dancing

mixed dancing at the young israelPeople like to claim that anything that isn’t super frum leads to mixed dancing, but I fervently disagree with this projection. Yes, having a low mechitza at a shul with a woman rabbi doing a Carlebach shabbos while high on some good herb may lead to people mixed dancing if they cannot be kovesh their yetzer’s. Generally speaking it’s hard to get frum Jews to mix dance because the women are generally not around and when they are, the mechitzas are so tall and that barbed wire just pushes away any joyous feelings that may induce mixed dancing anyway.

Flying in Bags: I know that flying in bags is a necessity for cohanim trying to avoid the impurities fromĀ  the air rights of cemeteries, but I have a good hunch that it also prevents mixed dancing. I’ve heard from several friends of mine who are cohanim that have been overjoyed that they can finally fly without worrying about cemetery tumah and they have all told me that their only issue with the bag is that they are not able to move very well. One friend expressed dismay at the fact that he can’t even think about joining the mile high club without disturbing everyone in his row. Another friend told me that on one flight to Mexico everyone started dancing randomly, but that he couldn’t move because he wasn’t sure that the plane was over water or tumah.

Viduy: Obviously the mechitza prevents anyone from getting too excited and chas v’shalom dancing with the opposite sex during a long sweaty Yom Kippur viduy, I understand that chest clopping gets some folks off, but our insistence on mechitzas and assigned seating during the high holidays has mostly prevented this. One may think that conservative and reform Jews would definitely start dancing in the middle of viduy and call it the Tikkun Olam Ritual or some BS like that. The chest clopping, lack of separate seating, and raised heart rates are all conducive to mixed dancing. Fortunately, most non-Orthodox movements charge so high for Yom Kippur tickets that people are scared out of their wits at losing their seat, so everyone just does viduy without breaking into dance.

Funerals: I don’t know about you, but no matter how untznius your hot cousins are dressed at a levayah, it rarely leads to mixed dancing. I can’t say the same rings true at the joyous shiva house of a recently deceased child molestor, that may lead to mixed dancing.

Chassidish weddings: I know that the talmudists and former chassidim are going to say something about how mitzvah tantz is mixed dancing, but we all know it’s not. Mixed dancing requires touching, it requires boners and sexual tension and usually doesn’t include gartels or tied tablecloths until the dancing ends and you’re out on the town looking for a cheap hourly motel. I didn’t see any women at the chassidish weddings I’ve been to, chabad not included.

The Nine Days: I should probably do teshuvah now, because I shower during the none days like the rest of my modernishe brethren who tend to take a lax view of halacha. For everyone else that doesn’t shower during the nine days, I can assure you that you’re protecting yourself against mixed dancing of any kind, you may also be protecting yourself from any random feels in the mikvah as well.

Shabbos Kallah: This is the frum version of a daytime slumber party, they share kugel recipes, buy you books about doing it on mikvah night, and giggle a lot. The last thing that is going to happen is mixed dancing, there’s just too much damn estrogen going on and the last thing a bunch of frum ladies having the traditional shabbos kallah pillow fight in shabbos robes want, is a bunch of dudes trying to make moves on em.

Cholent: Post cholent farting is perfectly kosher according to many opinions, some communities even support this idea by making everyone in shul at mincha on shabbos fart to their hearts content and since the only women who come to shul on shabbos afternoon for mincha are hairy feminists, you can pretty much gauruntee that cholent will never lead to mixed dancing. It’s rare that someone looks into a crock pot of cholent and makes a sexual comment. Cholent in effect is one of the most tznius foods out there.

Yeshiva Purim Parties: One would think that a purim party is the most likely place for mixed dancing to occur, but only at modern orthodox ones, yeshivish parties may have a chance with the recent rise in hot chanis. But purim parties that take place in yeshivas are the rare party where mixed dancing just doesn’t happen. This is because the ladies are usually not present to watch their husbands puking, dancing, and acting like buffoons. If the women are present, they are usually sitting by laughing at their husbands wallowing in their own puke while quoting passages from whatever masechta the yeshiva is currently learning.

Asifa’s: I’ve noticed that pretty much every asifa, whether it’s about kids at risk, the tuition crisis, the free porn crisis, or the tznius crisis, tends to be made up solely of men. As if women don’t know about the high price of tuition, struggle with figuring out which free porn site is best, or deal with tznius. Without women at an asifa, it’s pretty unlikely that the men will break out into mixed dancing around their golden calf (nowadays I think it’s the internet filter).

Charedi Riots: The closest to mixed dancing that these riots get is when a bunch of vaad hatznius guys decide to beat up a woman for sitting on the front of the bus or wearing red. Generally the riots are about something that may lead to impure thoughts, like movie theaters open on shabbos or gay pride parades. Generally, if you’re a woman, even as bold as the shiksas of the wall, you probably know that it’s a major sakana to be caught amidst a bunch of unemployed uneducated men in the middle of the day with nothing better to do than burn garbage in their own neighborhoods.

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