The Nut List

frummer than youBy Charles Zucker

Anyone who believes less than me is a heathen.  Anyone who believes more than me is a nut.

I’m a patchwork Jew.  I’m a collection of memes and tropes and minhagim.  I’ve clearly gotten more religious over time and have taken on things I never would have thought – tearing toilet paper before Shabbos?  But I still identify as a moderate.  I’m amazed by the breathless tales of the uber-observant.  To let you know how Seriously they take their mitzot: “so then I realized I wasn’t going to make it home by Shabbos so I pulled off the highway and parked in the worst neighborhood in the world, stashed my keys under a crack hooker, and then started the 45 mile walk home while gangs are shooting at me.  Uphill.  In the snow” or “… and I opened the refrigerator and the light popped on.  I was stuck.  There wasn’t a [non-Jewish person] around.  Everything melted, there was a river running through the kitchen…”

Anyone who believes less than me is a heathen.  Anyone who believes more than me is a nut.  I don’t know what I’ll hold by next year, but this is a sampling of my current Nut List:

·                     Going by your Hebrew first name when you have a perfectly good slave name.

·                     No longer acknowledging any English birthdays or anniversaries or New Year’s Eve.

·                     Loudly interrupting any conversation to make the bracha on your pear.

·                     Chalav yisroel

·                     Whatever your problem is with Coffee Bean.

·                     Wearing a tallis as garment like it was the most natural thing in the world.

·                     Waiting 5 hours and 1 minute.

·                     Using “nifter” in every day conversation.

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