Dear Heshy: Can I lie to my wife to keep the peace

ham and cheeseDear Posek,

I am openly irreligious while my wife is openly religious. It was me that made the break from our shared way of life rather than the other way around. I don’t keep kosher while my wife and children do. One of the things that is keeping our family together despite these stark differences between us is my commitment to not traifen the kitchen. My question is: can I make myself a Bologna sandwich with cheese inside? I wouldn’t be making anything traif but I’m sure my wife wouldn’t like it if she knew about it. I know it’s mutar to lie mipnei hashalom, so can I hide the truth from her or would this be a breach of trust?

Waiting hungrily for your psak.


I’m fairly certian that my 10 months of marriage is too short a time to properly answer your shayala, I’ve learned several things, one of the most important aspects of marriage is trust and knowing how to keep that trust despite the fact that you’re probably lying half the time. You’re shayala is almost exactly like the time that my Rav’s rebetzin asked him if it looked like she was gaining weight and he told her that she should focus on her large middos instead.

My wife and I have an understanding (well she told me about this) and it’s that some things you just don’t want to hear, kind of like shitting your brains at someone’s house during the shabbos meal when everyone can hear you grunting like you’re about to give birth. Some things are best left unsaid, with that said, I think it’s more about those poor frum children of yours. What if they should walk in on their tatti (do they know you’re a shaigitz?) eating mamish treife.

Then again, if your children walk in on you and your wife shtupping that would also be awkward and how would you be able to explain that better than eating bassur v’cholov in your kitchen. I guess it’s always easier to explain stuff to your kids when your junks not hanging out, but still the real worry here seems to be the chinuch of your kinderlach and not your wife. Your wife is very understanding and probably already knows about your teife sfeikus. Kind of like those ladies who are “shocked” at discovering that their husbands look at porn or masturbate – does any woman really think their husbands don’t do that sort of thing? No, but they still need to act surprised so they can have something to gripe about at their monthly shalashudos get together.

Luckily for you Shragi, I am not the only posek on the net, Frum Satire has many poskim readers and maybe some our more learned and longer married members could help you a bit beyond my elementary knowledge of marriage and women.

Find out more from