The funny thing about lists like this is that we all sit around laughing at our own stupid ideas and then one day, some guy, like the infamous bag-man shows up and some of these items become a reality. Actually, it’s not so funny when you think about any of the extreme views that fundamentalists in every religion try to enact into law, as if there was some tradition in the alter-heim that involved separating little girls and boys at the playground, duh, the boys knew all of shas by the time they were 7 and had no time for playgrounds. However, in the last few years, some people have become so frum that we can make lists like these and imagine some of these things actually being done. I posted the “I’m so frum I…” on Facebook the other day and I got many good responses.
I’m so frum I…
Check my pot for bugs
Have a separate room from my wife
Make sure the hole in my sheet is k’shiur Chazon Ish
When I go to the strip club I only drink canned beer
That I’ve already put up a pashkevil on Heshy for this post
I send my wife as a shliach to beat up women who sit on the front of the mehadrin bus
My toilet paper always has a badatz hechsher
Won’t eat in my own house
Remain annoyingly positive Baruch Hashem
I don’t trust any hashgacha
Just said viduy for reading frum satire
Have tzitzis on my towels
I don’t eat in homes with a shtus box or internet
Was accused of a crime and had the whole community make a dinner in my honor
Call it megilas mordechai because Esther was a zona
Only eat bassur b’cholov is it’s chassidishe shechita and cholov yisroel mevushal
Always remain fleishig so there’s no sufake
Talk about how frum I am without putting anyone else down
Never mekabel loshon horah
Get a goy to wrap my tefillin on shabbos
Never check my phone on shabbos to see what time it’s over
I never think milchig thoughts when I’m fleishig
The women always eat in the kitchen when we have guests
When people talk in shul, I yell shah at the top of my lungs making sure to give the talkers proper mussar
All my vegetables get soaked in bleach
Never eat vegetables, the price is not worth it
Always set aside my stones for shabbos riots (I’ve heard that some people use shabbos goyim)
Never force my 3 year old to turn on the air conditioning
Do DNA testing on my shabbos goyim to make sure they aren’t Jewish
Hold that dor-yeshurim is assur because it holds of science
Women specific:
Don’t daven because it’s maris ayin – someone may think women are obligated in mitzvos shez’man grama
Wear a giant garbage bag when I fly
Never eat in the sukkah
Wear shirts backwards to raise the neckline
Always have my tznius ruler ready to rebuke those without proper yiras shamayim
Never wear skirts with a fly because of beged ish
Never learn Torah lishmah
Never joined the high mile club because of yichud
Look at the floor and silently recite tehilim when men talk to me
Would never ride the subway unless it was separate
Make sure to never make any z’manim except candle lighting
Have a suitcase ready to go in case moshiach comes
Send all my clothing with the bedika cloth just in case there are other stains
Never tell my husband when mikvah night is, so I don’t give him hirhurim
My bulletproof stockings are actually made of Kevlar
Hide all of my books about women
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