I’m so frum I…

The funny thing about lists like this is that we all sit around laughing at our own stupid ideas and then one day, some guy, like the infamous bag-man shows up and some of these items become a reality. Actually, it’s not so funny when you think about any of the extreme views that fundamentalists in every religion try to enact into law, as if there was some tradition in the alter-heim that involved separating little girls and boys at the playground, duh, the boys knew all of shas by the time they were 7 and had no time for playgrounds. However, in the last few years, some people have become so frum that we can make lists like these and imagine some of these things actually being done. I posted the “I’m so frum I…” on Facebook the other day and I got many good responses.

I’m so frum I…

Check my pot for bugs

Have a separate room from my wife

Make sure the hole in my sheet is k’shiur Chazon Ish

When I go to the strip club I only drink canned beer

That I’ve already put up a pashkevil on Heshy for this post

I send my wife as a shliach to beat up women who sit on the front of the mehadrin bus

My toilet paper always has a badatz hechsher

Won’t eat in my own house

Remain annoyingly positive Baruch Hashem

I don’t trust any hashgacha

Just said viduy for reading frum satire

Have tzitzis on my towels

I don’t eat in homes with a shtus box or internet

Was accused of a crime and had the whole community make a dinner in my honor

Call it megilas mordechai because Esther was a zona

Only eat bassur b’cholov is it’s chassidishe shechita and cholov yisroel mevushal

Always remain fleishig so there’s no sufake

Talk about how frum I am without putting anyone else down

Never mekabel loshon horah

Get a goy to wrap my tefillin on shabbos

Never check my phone on shabbos to see what time it’s over

I never think milchig thoughts when I’m fleishig

The women always eat in the kitchen when we have guests

When people talk in shul, I yell shah at the top of my lungs making sure to give the talkers proper mussar

All my vegetables get soaked in bleach

Never eat vegetables, the price is not worth it

Always set aside my stones for shabbos riots (I’ve heard that some people use shabbos goyim)

Never force my 3 year old to turn on the air conditioning

Do DNA testing on my shabbos goyim to make sure they aren’t Jewish

Hold that dor-yeshurim is assur because it holds of science

Women specific:

Don’t daven because it’s maris ayin – someone may think women are obligated in mitzvos shez’man grama

Wear a giant garbage bag when I fly

Never eat in the sukkah

Wear shirts backwards to raise the neckline

Always have my tznius ruler ready to rebuke those without proper yiras shamayim

Never wear skirts with a fly because of beged ish

Never learn Torah lishmah

Never joined the high mile club because of yichud

Look at the floor and silently recite tehilim when men talk to me

Would never ride the subway unless it was separate

Make sure to never make any z’manim except candle lighting

Have a suitcase ready to go in case moshiach comes

Send all my clothing with the bedika cloth just in case there are other stains

Never tell my husband when mikvah night is, so I don’t give him hirhurim

My bulletproof stockings are actually made of Kevlar

Hide all of my books about women

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