Gender Bending

Gender Bending

by Chaya Miriam Fried

I, like everyone else, pretended to be shocked when the halachic ruling was released today allowing select couples to choose the gender of their burgeoning babies with the help of a rav, of cour$e. Naturally, all the reasons cited had to do with folks choosing to have boys, not one example being given for girls. In addition to the requisite cursing and spitting of frum ladies the world over, some are joking that it’ll solve our shidduch crisis (Oh yeah, what ever happened to that crisis anyway? Ah yes, I got married). Now unless there are plans to churn out instantly 28-year-old male babies any time soon, I don’t see that happening. What will ensue, though, can be seen below:

Easier to get a minyan – living in a one-horse, Chabad-only town can be difficult, just waiting for tourists to happen by. Never again if you can all choose boys. Heck, you might even manage a breakaway minyan.

Greater number of Ambit salesmen – men seem to be far more naturally drawn to joining frummy hocks than the ladies do, but that’s a whole other article altogether.

More urine in the mikvah – you do the math.

Faster global warming – the amount of gas given off post-cholent is sure to spell doom. And the trees cut down to print more seforim? Don’t get me started.

Longer skirts, longer lives – maybe with less of a heightened sense of competition among the girls, skirts chance to once again reach the knee. Daycare for the elderly industry set to skyrocket.

More rabbis – and likewise more heters to go around. Soon we won’t have to do a damn thing to be considered frum.

Lower chances of being molested – I mean what with the wider selection and all. A pervert only has so many laps and so many hands, know what I’m saying?

Acceptable percentage of ma’aser raised – because we’ll be forced to shell out more in yeshiva tuition money and churn out more salaries for learners. This shouldn’t sound far-fetched in the least. Rabbeim make ridiculous “perfections” to the Torah all the time, why not in this case? But I don’t mean to make this article about the self-nominated creating standards for the rest of us, especially in cases where the burden falls largely upon women. It’s just not a woman’s place to do such a thing.

Search for gender halacha on