50 ways to make people think you’re frummer than you really are

Making people think you’re frummer than you really are is actually a great way to make friends, get places to stay and find out community politics. Generally you want to make people think you’re frummer than you really are when looking for connections in the frum community, especially in a place without too many frummies. Baal Teshuvas and Gerim also try to do this, but they usually fail miserably, because they reach for the sky, when they could have left the yeshivish words at home and kept things a bit more simple.

1. Learn random gadol yertzeits so you can say things like – did you know that Rav Yaakov was nifter this week, never say “passed away” it’s too modern.
2. Tell people that you only hold of yoshon.
3. Make sure to keep seforim in your car, even if you haven’t looked at them in years.
4. Pretend to be reading along during laining , you are supposed to do this anyway, but no one does it.
5. When people talk in shul, you can be the guy that makes a big deal. You also have to shake your head as you say “nu” and “sh” at the same time.
6. Tell people you davened at the hashkama minyan, even better, tell them you do neitz.
7. Always walk backwards out of any holy place.
8. Say Oise instead of Ose.
9. “I had a rebbe who once told me…”
10. Make sure people can see your woolen tzitzis through your shirt.
11. Make sure to wear shirts with armpit stains only during the week.
12. Be the last one to finish shemona esrei (just start later and pretend to be the last man standing)
13. Never give a firm handshake.
14. Always give mussar, you can always find something that someone’s doing wrong.
15. Always ask to make your own kiddush.
16. Talk in third person when addressing people who are supposed to be respected.
17. Look down when walking past women.
18. When folks mention Obama say “yemach sh’mo”
19. Always refer to anything gay as “Toievah”
20. Before making a point do one or all of the following: click your tongue, dip your thumb, ring your hands, rub your thighs (if sitting down), point a violent finger into a sefer or stroke your beard.
21. Say Bli Neder before committing to anything.
22. Ask everyone who their Rav is.
23. Always ask your host if the water is filtered.
24. Brag about how ugly your sheitle is because it’s more tznius.
25. Bring a pocket mishnayos with you everywhere.
26. Put down people who use artscroll by saying it’s a crutch.
27. Tell people you’re trying to catch up with daf yomi.
28. Call kids goyim for playing ball on shabbos.
29. Actually use the term goy and shaigetz liberally to describe anyone not up to your standars, kofer and shotah also work.
30. Pretend to be saying tehillim when you’re on the train or reading a book.
31. Say asher yatzar really loudly after the bathroom, especially in a public place.
32. Park far enough away from shul on shabbos so it appears that you walked.
33. Brag about that kosher phone of yours.
34. Tell people the only movie you ever saw was ushpizim and operation thunderbolt.
35. Tell everyone that you don’t eat out on pesach because no one has pesach kitchens.
36. Put down the cholov akum crowd.
37. Memorize some controversial teshuvos of Rav Moshe so you can throw them down at random moments.
38. Everything can be turned into evil if you say that the boys and girls socialize there.
39. Make and anti-feminist comment ever so often.
40. Always call non-orthodox Jews goyim.
41. Get your self some shvimkleid (frum burkini)
42. Join a shabbos riot.
43. Publicly rebuke those who don’t wash for pizza.
44. Tell everyone that you don’t hold of the OU.
45. Cal YU boys a bunch of shgutzim.
46. Tell everyone you get your news from Hamodia and Yeshiva World News.
47. Complain about the lack of tznius these days.
48. Spit on the ground when you pass untznius women.
49. Blame the shidduch crisis on women going to work.
50. Blame everything else on the gays.