Pornography is not cheating. If couples were to take part in it openly, then it could enhance and improve their relationship more than other things because the very nature of pornography is that it’s an intimate and secretive thing. To think that pornography is an evil twisted thing that only perverts do in their mothers basements is misleading, I am sure it breaks up marriages, but I’m pretty sure that too much of anything can break up a marriage (I heard once of a couples addiction coconut water that broke up a marriage). After reading all that Artscroll/Feldheim frum media bullshit on marriage advice I realized something very important. That frum society has a very twisted view of sexuality in marriage.
It would seem based on my reading that women hate sex, need constant emotional support and if they liked sex there must be something wrong with them. On the other hand, men are animals who need to be pleased all the time and will never show any emotion. Just like the age old addage of women needing to cover up their elbows because men can’t tame their animal desires – it seems that frum marriage guides are reinforcing the fiction that women are all emotion and men are all about sex.
Somehow I wanted to tie this into the fact that frummies are so scared of pornography in marriage that they use it as an excuse as to why their marriage fell apart. Contrary to popular belief I’m not really into porn, my father threw out my collection several years ago and since then my computer has been too slow to look at anything good. HD has killed my access to porn!
Of course there are problems with porn, there are addicts, but addicts will be addicts and those people need to seek help whether they are addicted to porn, high fructose corn syrup or house music. There is also the fact that porn is fantasy, not all women want to be pounded and humiliated.
Now some of you will say that “you know of someone who got divorced because of porn” and I don’t doubt that’s true, but do you really think that porn was the only cause of it. Imagine if the couple was open about their enjoyment of it, imagine the trust that could be garnered from such an admission. If you take a look at some of the shidduch blogs out there you will notice a reoccurring theme, that is that many couples wonder whether or not they should “admit” some important thing before engagement. It seems to me that much of the shidduch and frum world is rife with lying, denying and dishonesty which is always a bad way to start a relationship. It’s not porn that’s the problem, it’s sneaking around and not being honest that leads to the breakup of marriages.