Guest Post by Mrs. Telz Angel.
In honor of the marriage of Heshy and Chaya I wanted to share with you my top eight worst Mikva Lady experiences.
1. The Talkative Town Yenta. Lady, please stop talking! I show up once a month and I don’t want to hear what happened to you over the last four weeks. I certainly don’t want to tell you what’s going on with me either. You are just going to tell everyone else. I know you are because you tell me what’s going on with the other women in the community. I don’t care who stopped going to Mikvah. I don’t care who is getting heavier these days. Please just let me dunk in peace.
2. She doesn’t want to be there. Sometimes you are lucky and you don’t get the yenta. Instead you get the mom who clearly does not want to be there. She shows up late and barely looks you over. Half the time she’s texting her kids, and can’t wait for you to get out of there. Nothing like a rushed mikva to prepare you for a rushed quickie at home. Hey, if it is any consolation, I’d rather be home also.
3. Do you want to buy some… She takes advantage of the captive audience to sell me stuff. Tupperware, Amway, the Pampered Chef, you name it. If it’s a multi-level marketing scheme, she’s on it and selling it hard. Hey lady, I’m not at Bed, Bath and Beyond. I’m actually planning on Bath, Bed and Beyond — if you know what I mean.
4. Pregnant Shomeret in a tight mikvah. My old mikva was small, very small. Every so often I got the pregnant shomeret. It was ridiculous trying to squeeze my naked body around her protruding belly to get into the mikva. Way too much intimate contact for my liking.
5. The Lesbian. OK, I’m not 100% sure she’s gay, but she gazes at me more than a woman should be staring at another naked woman. It’s creepy. Yes, I know you have to look me over, but really now, there’s nothing I got that you don’t. Look in a mirror if you want to have fun. I’m not here to show off.
6. Your kid’s dayschool Morah. I hate when this happens ‘cuz my kid comes home and tells me that her Morah met me last night and winked a lot. For the love of G-d why do I have to deal with this woman? It’s bad enough I pay so much for her to verbally abuse my kids, do I need her to inform all of kita gimel that I was at the mikvah last night?
7. She’s jealous that I’m getting some action tonight. I don’t think she’s divorced, but she gives me the vibes that she is not getting any. “Oh you are so lucky. Let me give you a brocho for a very holy experience tonight. It’s so nice you are here, I really hope all goes well with you and your husband. Does he treat you well? Oh I’m so happy for you. You are clean and kosher now. Enjoy yourself in kedusha and eternal bliss.” G-d almighty lady get over it. If you are not happy with your love life, get a vibrator.
8. The worst one of all — your Weight Watcher’s Instructor. Ugg. There is nothing worse than having your WW instructor as your mikva lady. I don’t care how many points you are counting — you cannot hide your butt from her. She sees it all. Pray pray pray that you never get her as a mikva lady.
Welcome to married life Chaya. Treat her like a queen Heshy.
Mrs. Telz Angel.