Readers of this blog know that Heshy and Chaya got married this Sunday, but many of you were not able to be there. If you were not there, you’ll never know if this is accurate. If you were there, you can comment below with your own fiction, er, I mean corrections. Here are the facts: Heshy and Chaya got married. Rabbi E. Fink was the Misader Kiddushin. Some tweets with the hashtag #frumsatirewedding proved this. The Internet also provided me with some other hints about what allegedly happened there. Lesson: set up a hashtag
Here’s what I was able to gather: Men and women were separate at first. Men were sent to a room that was both a conference room and a sauna, where they drank whiskey, sang od yishama a few times, and hoped that Heshy would say a few words of wisdom. He did not. But the whiskey and overall sense of brotherhood was good. Women got to watch the kallah in an air conditioned lobby. BTW, she’s cute, pretty, and has a great smile. In typical Jewish fashion, guests were scouring for free food. Fortunately there was food set up for some other event in the same area — and no one was there to protect it. So Heshy’s guests chowed down on some other party’s food. Trief food. Oh well. There is nothing more delicious than someone else’s food. Lesson: hold a wedding in a location where you can pwn someone else’s food.
The chuppah was outside. It was a hot day. Since Chaya has some Chabad leanings, she wore a chabadnik veil — which is more like a few pillowcases, a wool blanket and tablecloth pinned to her tiara. I thought someone was going to to give her a paper donkey’s tail and set her out to blindly find Heshy. But no, she was directed by her good friends down the tennis court. I don’t know much about tennis, but I think the score was Love-Love. Seating was all over the place since people moved their chairs to the shade. R’ Fink ran a fast but classy chuppah. He got to the point and was funny. Rabbis from every Bay Area shul were honored with one of the berachot — well almost every shul. Apparently some rabbis forgot to put on their gartels before getting to the chuppah. That caused a slight delay in game. Lesson: Gartel up — you never know when you have to say a beracha.
Heshy took care of the menu selection and did a stellar job. He knows food. The salads were bright and fresh. There was a Thai theme to the meal. Guests were very pleased with the food. Lesson: get a foodie to look over the menu.
The dancing was pretty yeshivish. Only yeshivish people would be entertained by young boys gyrating with hula-hoops. But they were good at it. Both Heshy and Chaya were lifted in the air on their chairs, and held a napkin over the mechizta on the dance floor. Very traditional. The band took a break so that people could eat in peace without having to yell over the music. That was nice. Also there was no set seating, so all those who crashed the wedding would not feel like they did not have a place. Lesson: Don’t waste time with seating arrangements.
The best part of the wedding was the protesting going on outside. You think the asifa drew a protest, well this wedding did too. There were people with signs in the parking lot. One said “Stop Frum Satire, he is making a Chillul Hashem.” Another “Gedolim hate Bloggers.” Another “Don’t give them any checks“. I think people were really impressed that chassdim came all the way from Williamsburg to protest this event. Eventually a van came by and the protesting chassidim drove back up to San Francisco to shop for leather and latex clothing in the Castro district. I think they added a special touch to the wedding. Lesson: never be afraid to make up a few stories too, people will believe anything on the Internet.
So that’s what I heard happened. “A Bayis Ne’eman.” “One day by you.” A fun wedding. And a brocho to the couple — hold on, let me put on my gartel – OK a brocho that they will treat each other with love, appreciation, and affection.