I think the title may be misleading so let me clarify, the latest trend in my friends who are getting divorce and it’s not the trend of late. Most of my friends who have gotten divorced, have done so due to religious differences with their wives. Those religious differences usually stem from the girl being quite a bit more religious than the guy and it’s time I spoke about this issue to see if maybe we can knock some sense into those entering marriages doomed for failure. I say doomed, because in the shidduch world a lot of guys will date girls more religious them because it’s assumed that the girl will help the guy stay strong in his religiousness – I find that this works in very few cases and it usually back fires. For instance I have several friends who were the types who grew up yeshivish, went off the derech and then came back on the derech quickly type of dudes. After jumping back into the game of frumkeit, they jumped the gun in marrying someone who only knew them in their formerly off the derech now inspired sort of BT phase and it’s common in the frum community to jump into things too quickly.
Back in my dating days (about 4-6 years ago) I remember being told by friends and shadchanim that it was best to marry someone a little more religious than me, I don’t doubt that this could be good advice, but I remember one friend in particular who didn’t even keep shabbos telling me that he wouldn’t date a girl who wore pants. There are plenty of dudes out there who will say things that amount to “modern orthodox girls are good for making out, but what will my family think if I marry them” and I always find that a bit disconserting. Basically, you put on a show for the girls you’re dating, but the girls you hook uo with get the real you. Hence the reason I never really did well in dating, I was simply too open, too divulgent and too honest for most frum girls.
Anyway, my latest friend to kick the bucket is a product of the yeshiva world who suddenly woke up one day and decided that he actually wanted to work. I know it may seem weird to some of you, but he decided to work because he was sick of being on food stamps and taking money from his parents and in-laws. He suddenly felt alone in the kollel world and decided to enroll in college. That’s where the problems started, he’s perfectly frum, but his little path away from yeshiva has taken him down the road to what I may call real modern orthodoxy. He started reading Solevatchik and Hirsch and maybe took some pirkei avos to heart in the places where it says all that stuff about “Torah without work” being a real crappy existence. To make a long story short, his wife, the sweet innocent bais yaakov girl who married the kollel guy finds herself with this YU-type of guy all of a sudden and their marriage took a nose dive.
I have met quite a few Frum Satire readers over the years who have similar stories. They all tell me that yeshiva set them up for failure, unfortunately these yeshiva/kollel guys rarely have any marketable skills, savings or idea of how to get an education or a job. In the other more common department, the inspired baal teshuva who rushed into marriage with someone on their level at their high point in Judaism are usually more lucky, they usually have money and skills because many of the folks who weren’t cut out for yeshiva developed skills and may have gotten an education. Either way, it’s an interesting trend amongst my friends and I just thought it would be a nice thing to let people know exists. Maybe this could even serve as a warning to those who are marrying out of their hashkafic realm.
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