You know you’re frum and off the derech…

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day who got into a graduate program far from any major Jewish community. He calls me up ranting and raving about how the only Jews in his town aren’t even real Jews because they’re reconstructionists. I found this odd, coming from a person who keeps nothing in the way of Judaism and doesn’t believe in God. He then went onto say that he already called up the two closest chabads and already has an in on the frum politics of the area. Apparently the kollel 100 miles away, doesn’t like chabad, even though there are like 10 Jews in the entire state. Anyway, he’s what I would call someone who’s frum and off the derech. 

You wash hamotzi before eating a cheeseburger

You keep your kippah on while filming yourself having sex with a Russian prostitute

You still don’t hold of the Flatbush eruv

When someone sets you up with a girl you ask if she’s from a good family

You don’t call your off the derech friends on shabbos

You always say you already put on tefillin when a chabadnick in street asks you

You refuse to pawn your tefillin and they stare at you every day

You still think the Rebbe is moshiach

You still think that Conservative Jews aren’t really Jewish

You cover up any Jewish books in your room when engaged with a young lady

You think Sizzler is even too goyishe for you

If someone asks you to turn a light on for them on shabbos, you rail into them mussar style

You hate liberals

You still call your father on Friday afternoon to wish him a good shabbos

You still feel guilty after breaking halacha

You pasken for your friends

You have never cooked a kid in it’s mothers milk

You write things like BD”E on facebook after some gadol dies

You say things like “Fuck I forgot it was tisha b’av today”

You love heimishe food and always tell your non-kosher friends about opening a place that sells it on Friday nights after the bars let out

You instinctively reach to your bare head to take off your yarmulke when going to a treife place

You always bring your tefillin on vacation, yet haven’t took them out in years

You won’t step foot into a Reform sanctuary

You feel it’s morally ok to rip off goyim, but not Yidden

You’ve declared yourself an atheist, but haven’t gotten around to taking the mezuzos off in your apartment

You still step out of bed carefully to avoid the negel vasser

You may eat bread on pesach, but you don’t eat gebrokts

You still eat “by” people’s houses

You give tzedakah to organizations that stand for everything you don’t believe in

You dream of gourmet gefilte fish pop up places

You still get kind of grossed out by meat and cheese together

You think that tznius is hot

You’ve never been on a tefillin date (that would require dusting off the tefillin)

You sponsor a kiddush in shul for a yerzteit but miss it because your car died

You don’t eat kitnyot on pesach

Shiksas are still only for practice

Modern orthodoxy is such BS to you

You don’t have it in your heart to tell bubbie you don’t date religious girls

If someone Jewish texts you on shabbos, you text back and say call me after shabbos

You still ask for mezonos rolls, even in treife places

You use your shabbos candles to light your cigarettes (it’s an existing flame right)

When the stripper finishes her lap dance you say “shkoyach”

You ask girls on Jdate to confirm their yichus

You put your Hebrew porn in shaimos

You use facebook under a fake name

The answer to every inquiry about your life is “100%” or “Baruch Hashem” or “thanks God” even if you don’t believe in God

You wonder if it’s worth it to be fleishigs even though you haven’t kept a separation between milk and meat for years

You rag on your frum friends who eat vegan out and tell them that it’s BS

You don’t hold of non-orthodox conversions

You still don’t hold of the Flatbush Eruv

Anything else???