Best ways to make someone think you’re an obnoxious frummy from NY

I can spot New Yorkers from a mile away, the impatient souls at one of the local restaurants wondering why there’s English music and no crusty old tzedakah boxes in the place. I can see them in shul wondering why everyone is hanging out after davening when there’s a kiddush in the next room and I can see them on the highway wondering why no one is trying to tailgate each other into oblivion. 

One up someone: No matter what someone tells you about themselves, always tell them that you or someone you know is way better than them. “Oh my cousin shmuely got knocked out by some flying candy at his bar mitzvah” or “I used to be king of the brachos bee” that’s a sure way to make someone believe you’re a frummy from NY.

Repeatedly ask where they’re from: “I’m from New York” Where? “Brooklyn” Where? “Flatbush” Where? “P and Coney” Where?….

Ask them all about their father: You must ask them about their father and it has to be at random in the middle of a conversation about oil changes you say something like “Nu what’s your father do?” and they will always wonder what that has to do with anything and the second they answer, ask them where their father goes to shul.

Tell them that they are doing something wrong: Pick something like their tzitzis are possel and give them some diatribe about Rav Ahron saying that whoever wore possel tzitzis was going to lose their chelek in olam habah.

Talk about the great deal on your car lease: Obnoxious New York frummies love bragging about car lease deals for some reason.

There’s nothing to do around here: New Yorkers love to complain about whatever place they may be. Whether it’s the lack of kosher food, the terrible weather or the lack of nightlife, they love to tell you why your town sucks and why NY rules. (in yeshiva this was the case all the time)

You lookin’ for a deal: It doesn’t matter if you’re actually looking for a deal, any obnoxious frummy from NY worth his weight in meltaway cake should be able to offer you a deal on something. I’m not only talking about hockers and machers here, although they fall within the realm of the main title here.