Fixing the Birthing Crisis by Aborting the Male Babies

 After reading David Learner’s article on why we need to abort the female babies, it occurred to me that he might have gotten it wrong.  Sure, the shidduch crisis is a debilitating problem that is causing great strain to all caterers, wedding planners, and photographers in the Jewish community. And yes, whereas Heshy’s endorsement of the Jewish Press’ thoughtful idea to encourage cosmetic surgery to fix all the ugly frum girls, and David’s encouragement to abort them, I think we need to consider aborting the male babies too.

Further into the interview with the esteemed Rabbi Yehuda Levin, from which David Lerner quoted, the Rabbi apparently stumbled upon another realization that when male babies are born, they pass though their mother’s woo-hoo-hoo (that’s his technical term for the vi-jay-jay). He remarked “I can’t believe that we allow these little boys with their cute little shmekles to enjoy even a moment in their mothers woo-hoo-hoo. It’s sick, I tell you. Their own mother!” When asked about the best solution to prevent this kind of arayos from occurring, he suggested that male fetuses should be carried to term by their fathers, unless this shters their learning of Torah, since after all being pregnant is a real hassle. So if the fathers wont step up to the plate — then abort the boys.

The Skevere Rebbe was contacted for comment and said “What’s with the 5 alarms, and why not just order a c-section for Christ’s sake!”

When asked, a representative of the Santorum for President committee commented that his candidate is strongly opposed to abortions, but is willing to make exceptions under certain cases of the mother being Jewish.  However when told that frummies always vote Republican (thank G-d Herman Cain is no longer in the race), he quickly reversed his statement.

A spokeswoman from Mostly Simchas dot Com commented that given a choice she’d rather see more childbirths than shidduchim, since their get a higher click-through rate on their ads when people see the baby announcements.  So if driven by ads-revenue alone, she thought the abortions are probably a bad idea.

This satirist agrees, abortions are bad for ad sales.  Whereas aborting the girls would help shidduchim, and aborting the boys will help prevent them from engaging in the nasty with their moms during childbirth, it would hurt ad sales — and that’s bad for the Jews.

Coming up after the break — blindfolding and putting gloves onto nursing babies to keep them from seeing or feeling anything not tznius.

Find more boobie mechitzas and other frum-baby accessories on