Is THIS what they’re teaching our children?!

(Jerusalem) The oilam hatorah is in an uproar following revelations at a recent gathering of veteran educators, community activists and Rabbonim. “It’s really quite shocking nobody has made a fuss about it until now,” said one askan, “this is our children’s chinuch, so we can’t be too careful.” The issue is the presence of a certain book called the Tanach, which is shockingly prevalent in our kehillah’s school curriculums. “It’s in almost every classroom!” Raged one Rebbe, “how can we allow our children to be exposed to such things?!”

Parents are showing great concern, too. One worried mother noted “In the beginning of the book we see Chavah talking to a snake that isn’t her husband; I don’t want my children thinking such behavior is b’derech hatoirah.” Many parents are also concerned about the images within the text. “It’s a book that mentions all sorts of treife animals, that’s not something my child should be learning in Cheder.” Also of concern is the amount of untzniusdike descriptions found throughout the text; our offices have obtained a copy of Tanach and rest assured we found a whole section of untzniusdike poetry.

Public outcry swiftly followed these revelations. Pashkvil wall posters went upĀ  warning the public of the dangers of the Tanach and condemning those who would brazenly publish it and make it available to the public. “Artscroll is destroying the yiddishe community by printing this garbage,” said one angry yungerman, “they shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it.” Already, many people are calling on the oilam remove copies of the Tanach from their possession, and to cross out passages of it quoted in other seforim.

As usual, Chabad completely ignored the new da’as toireh. They brazenly continue to advocate daily study from the Tanach, finishing the first five books every year and one of the books every month.

Mechanchim are split on how to deal with this new makkah. Some advocate crossing out the inappropriate passages, “I’m sure there’s a lot we can learn from it,” said one teacher, “so long as we make sure that our kinder aren’t exposed to ideas outside of our mesorah.” Others are taking a stricter approach and demand its immediate removal from all levels of the curriculum, as one veteran Morah put it “you wouldn’t let your child play with fire, chas v’shalom.”

Reached for comment, Rabbi Natan Slifkin attempted to start a sentence several times before sighing, shaking his head, and declaring “I give up,” before walking off.

David Lerner is studying to be a teacher. He really doesn’t like being told not to read certain books.

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