Raboisai, we are living in difficult times.
A bunch of gedolim are in the hospital, or just got out of the hospital this week. Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv, Rav Ahron Leib Shteinerman, Rav Yisrael Belsky, Rav Yitzchok Tuvia Weiss, Rav Issak Ausband, Rav Yaakov Yosef, and other gedolim — many of whom you probably collect in your gedolim card collections. The situation is very scary, and some have been saying tehilim already.
But a new emergency just came up and we ask all members of Kehilas Frum Satire to add a special umph to your davening for the next few days. Maybe you should try concentrating a bit when you daven, stop thinking about erotica, concentrate on the words of the tefilos, not on the yichud of the yud-hey and the vav-hey, and what kind of kinky kabbalist thought of that.
No folks, this is serious. Something happened to Colbert Nation. Stephen Colbert cancelled two shows and no one knows why (update: his mother is ill). The Daily Show suspended taping twice — once as a result of Jon Stewart’s second son being born (as if he didn’t know that was going to happen), and the other due to a sudden death of a staff member. But nothing like that has happened to Colbert. At least not yet.
Now technically Jon Stewart was born Jewish, but since he is very left-wing, we have officially cancelled his membership. So if he or his mother gets sick, let Obama pray, since we certainly won’t say tehilim for that shaygetz. But Stephen Colbert, despite claiming to be a devout (but not very devout) Catholic, is very right wing (or so he pretends to be in his satirical persona). So if something is going on with him, we should say Tehilim.
Lorna Colbert’s name is Lorna bas Some Shiksa. She deserves our heartfelt prayers and hopes for a recovery. After all, we want to see the news and without the show, we are lost, and we’ll be forced to watch Fox News (since everyone knows that the gedolim put MSNBC in chayrem for promoting a lesbian newscaster who is way too cute in a boyish sort of way, and pretty smart too — oy the shanda!). On a side note, we hope the gedolim feel better too. Say a kapitel or two for them while you are at it.
Please daven for Lorna Colbert’s mother. Oh and add a special prayer that Obama not win the next election. The Republican party needs our tefilos since they have been unable to provide anyone who doesn’t come across as a total idiot. We are the only hope. Tehilim. Lorna. Colbert Nation. Kehilas Frum Satire. You know what to do.
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