Daven your gayness away with the Artscroll Gay Edition

Credit: the justified sinner on FlickrDear Telz Angel

You were my favorite roommate in Telz, so I just had to share this news with you.  I just know you’ll be interested in this, I’m so sure of it. All our old Telzer friends are super excited about the new Artscroll Gay Edition Siddur.  It’s purple, with a soft leather cover, and I just love love LOVE the design.

The story behind this new siddur is absolutely fascinating.  Pull up a chair, grab a latte, and I’ll tell you ALL about it.  We were reading http://www.torahdec.org and realized that the Torah hates gays.  Those West Boro Park church, whatever, guys are totally right.  Gays are an abomination.  Bad, Bad, Bad. And the Torah has an “Unequivocal And Eternal Message” about lifestyles and preferences. Rainbow is certainly not the new black. God likes black (not the people, silly, but the hats and jackets, and especially the black on black silky fabrics on the long kapotahs — don’t you just LOVE the feel of that fabric!).  But the rainbow flag is so much an averah.  It’s like how Yosef Hazadik had that rainbow coat, so flaming gross.

Anywho. Reading TorahDec.org I realized that “Same-Sex Attractions Can Be Modified And Healed”  and that God really wants me to shtup women. It’s a big deal for Him, you know. But it’s sooo hard, well no, O-M-G you know what I mean. I really wanted to try and get healed. So I spoke with my Rabbi and he TOTALLY understands where I’m coming from. He told me that he has some tefilos that really work. I learned that you can totally daven your gayness away. And Artscroll came out with a siddur with all of the special tefilos. It’s full of very helpful instructions and even nice pictures. I’m learning how to keep my wrist tight when I klop al chet. I’m also learning that I can practice my pru-urvu shukeling with a specially designed shtender that has curvy legs and a discrete notch on the front. I think I’m beginning to understand how women work. Thanks to Artscroll and their new Gay Edition!  Shh, it’s a secret edition, you can only get it at special bookstores if you ask for the books that are still in the closet.

Your Fabulous Friend from Flatbush.

Dear Fab,
Thanks for letting me know about the website and the secret edition Artscroll siddur. I always knew people could daven away their gayness, but you have confirmed it, and I’m grateful.  ‘shkoiyach

I was especially pleased to see that the website you pointed to has the names of many people we know in common. Moreover, they have taken great pains to ensure a proper separation of species so that there is no improper intermingling. A mitzvah, for sure. See how properly they listed all the real orthodox rabbis first. They listed Chabad and Chassidishe separately, since we know that Chabadnicks are not real Chassidim. Also good to see the Sephardic Rabbis were put before the fake Orthodox, I mean, the YU rabbis.  Now, I was surprised to see that the pretend rabbis were put before the real Rebbetzens, then again — who would have thought that women would be listed before those  goyishe community organizers.  Last, and certainly least, the lowlifes known as mental health professionals, who shamefully have advanced degrees. Hey, at least they are not gay abominations.

They have collected many wonderful facts about the real truth of fixing gay disease.  I’m really hoping that more people read this site, and carefully read all the names of the people who signed this declaration.

I’m so proud of this Torah Declaration that I think we should have our own pride parade. What do you think?

Your chavroosa always,

Telz

P.s. did you know that it is against the Torah for the State of New York to give a health license to a tattoo parlor?  It’s just like gay marriage, and it leads to the destruction.  We should make sure that our congressmen know that we don’t want our tax dollars going to support sinners — or we’ll (tee, he, he) stop paying our… (snort) taxes (hahahaha!!!)

P.s. Holy Harvey Milk Cow! I was michaven to Heshy — he has an old post on a Gay siddur too.  https://www.frumsatire.net/2008/09/22/gay-siddur-includes-prayer-for-one-night-stands-and-sex-changes/

Find a gay siddur on 4Torah.com or at http://www.worldofjudaica.com/ Put it next to your Lesbian Haggadah.

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