Unseasonable Cold in Crown Heights
by Chaya Miriam Jurado
An early cold snap was the big topic of conversation for out-of-towners during Tishrei in Crown Heights, leading others to believe that perhaps the most elevated spot in all of Brooklyn is not ready for Moshiach after all.
One such visitor commented in French, “It’s so freezing, I can’t feel my knees and elbows,” while her cohort added, “I was very close to practicing tznius this morning.” Other visitors additionally complained about cold hard stares received in 770.
Most natives haven’t noticed any change in weather, and doubters weighed in with their own theories. “It’s distracting! If they’re so darn cold, why don’t they put some clothes on?” asked one woman who wished to remain anonymous. “Not to mention that it’s much colder up in higher atmospheres, what with those ultra-high platform heels and all.”
Indeed, the wardrobe seemed to reflect an imbalance of priorities with foreigners seen in fur jackets, open-toed shoes and miniskirts at the same time. As one bochur put it, “I’ve never seen such shoes and dress outside of a strip club. I mean, so I’ve heard.” When asked for his opinion, another man exiting the kollel replied, “Look, I’m just trying to keep my head in my Chitas studies and…SQUIRREL!”