You will boil in your wasted semen

I would say about 90% of the 4 years I spent in yeshiva was devoted in some way to the topic of masturbation. If we were a little more savvy it may have been a talk of sex, but since we weren’t getting much more than solo hand jobs it didn’t make sense to take it to the higher madreiga of sex. They would try to scare us with stories of how we would be cut off from the Jewish people, grow hair on our palms (a nightmare in itself because that would make jerking off that much harder) and loose our memory or devotion or learning. The main kabalistic thing that would happen to chronic seed wasters, was that we would all boil in our own semen when it came time to do our purgatory duties in gehenom.

Tonight it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had always believed in the boiling semen theory, after all, there were millions of potential lives in each of those semens – how else could we seed wasters be repaid for such genocide? Boiling in our own semen seemed like the perfect retribution. However, tonight I decided that no one I knew wasted enough semen to even braise our own bodies in it, let alone get it to a full boil. Maybe a light steaming, poaching or quasi-braise. But to get that much semen would take more years than I have in my life and therefore I think it’s just a myth to try and scare us into celibacy.

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