Top 10 fails of the frum world

I know that many of you are already reading this with giving me mussar in mind, why foucs on the negativity when there’s so much positivity and quite frankly, you’re right, but negativity brings in the advertising dollars and I never get good comments on nice things I write about the frum community. So I continue to pedal my cynacism in the hope to make money, get shabbos invites and maybe some tefillin date action. I cannot even begin to convey how hard it is to pick just the top 10 fails of the frum community, what with shidduch system, yeshiva tuition crisis and frum organizations protecting molestors – it was tough to come up with just 10 fails and I hope many of you will add to the list.

Shabbos Tooth Brushes: When it comes to fails, nothing fails more than the shabbos tooth brush, the concept itself is liable to create massive amounts of morris ayin, not to mention that it’s not worth breaking shabbos for bad breath anyway and if you would try and actually clean your teeth with one of these pieces of shite, you’re likely to break the thing and actually be mechalel shabbos.

Triple Washed Lettuce: Not only does it not actually get rid of the bugs, but it takes all the taste out of lettuce and proves to frummies that veggies are just an evil invention of the goyim trying to focus on the physical. Nothing screams frummy to me more, than having a salad of triple washed lettuce with slivers of purple cabbage and carrots, throw some mayonaise based sugar ceasar dressing for added effect and if you really want to be cool – get some turkey cubes in there.

Shomer Negiah: It’s ruined more lives than it helped and it only makes people go off the derech because they were taught that if they touch the opposite sex they can’t be frum, if only they did the same thing with money laundering and loshon horah.

Frum Porn: Go and watch some of it, it really sucks, so I’ve heard – I watching some frum porn once in Israel with someone and he pointed out that all the girls had tan lines and it appeared as if their sheitles and snoods were photo shopped on. It’s really an embarrassment that with all the Jewish porn producers out there – not one of them could ever think make a Devorah Does Flatbush., Bais Yaakov Girls Gone Wild or Mikvah Night Selo Kedarco.

Sheitles: It has been said a million times, but it never gets old and maybe by saying it over and over we will eliminate the social stigma of refusing to wear one of those overpriced hairpieces that makes the hair your saving for your husband look a lot worse than the hair everyone else gets to see. If only they had some sort of breast sheitlach…

Pesach Mustard: It has got to be one of the biggest fails ever.

The tefillin sweater: I never knew anyone who purchased one of these things, but the thought is that rolling up your sleeve to put on tefillin sucked enough tuchus that someone decided to make a sweater specifically for putting on tefillin – I guess it’s better than someone going postal and shooting up a shul or something. I remember part of their marketing as a good thing in case you needed to take blood pressure.

Meshichisim: Believing the Rebbe is the moshiach is so 1995, yet thousands of directionless chabadnicks still hold this view, it’s definitely up there as a big fail, right along with pesach cereal and frum coffee shops.

Banning the internet: Not only did it make the internet more exciting, it undermined all of the gedolim because everyone pretty much gave the gedolim the big middle finger when it decided that the internet was more important than a few thousand years of traditional tyrannic rule. Luckily, the frummies got smart and figured you could make a killing off of filtering people’s search engine results and now there’s a bustling economy based on the fear of coming across a woman’s collarbone by accidentally when searching for chassidic gang bangs on craigslist.

Frum Novels: As if those Artscroll fictional hagiographies weren’t enough, those frummy publishers had to start publishing all of these frum ladies’ fictional works about baal teshuvas searching about their pasts and discovering that before the holocaust they had some damned good yichus and now they don’t have to worry about finding their dream FFB shidduch.

Other failures of the frum community:

Shabbos toilet paper

Fruity Oh’s

Keeping our molestation problem hidden from the outside world

Ghetto Chinese Auctions – Oorah is king so don’t mess with the best

Miami Boys Choir – I get so hot just thinking about those little boys voices that immitate kol isha

Chabad chupah’ at 770 situation – I hate leaving the shmorg to hop on a bus to 770 for a chupah, someone needs to change that crap

Friday afternoon parking in Boro Park

Frum advice columns – I love it how they put all the letters after the name of the author to make sure they are qualified – frum advice columns are the only place in the world that you see people writing they have a Bachelors of Science.

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