A Modern Eicha for our times

Guest post by Andonymous

Hope you like the attached content!  I call it “modern day Eichah,” since we obviously have trouble relating to the one we read every year.  Feel free to post the audio and the text files on your site.

Kol tuv achi!

MODERN DAY EICHAH – click the link to hear the author singing his version of Eicha which is very applicable for our modern times.

Lyrics below:

“A MODERN DAY EICHAH FOR OUR TIMES”

 

BEHOLD, THE PLIGHT OF THE WELL-TO-DO ORTHODOX MALE

HE ONCE WAS SO CONTENT, NOW, BEHOLD, HE IS TROUBLED

 

WHAT ONCE WERE SWEET TAP WATERS FLOWING WITH FLOURIDE

NOW, PRESENT HIM WITH DOUBTS OF BUGS IN IT

 

HIS WIFE WAS ONCE A STUNNING SIZE 2 HOT CHANI

NOW, SHE HAS STARTED TO SAG UNDER HER ARMS

 

HER HOT CHANI FRIENDS HAVE ABANDONED HER

AND NO LONGER INVITE HER TO MID-AFTERNOON SUSHI

 

BEHOLD! HIS DAUGHTER WHO ONCE WAS 19

NOW, ALAS, IS SINGLE AND 23

 

WHAT WAS ONCE A FLOURISHING PORTFOLIO

LAYS DORMANT, AS SOME OBSOLETE STOCK PICKS

 

THE SEASON TICKETS, EVEN BOX SEATS AT SHEA

ALAS, HAVE BECOME UPPER DECK AT CITI FIELD

 

THE FULL PAGE GOLD AD IN THE ANNUAL SHUL JOURNAL

HAS BEEN REDUCED TO A SHAMEFUL QUARTER-PAGE

 

HE HAS EVEN CONSIDERED TRADING IN

THE NAVIGATOR FOR A USED ACURA

 

HE IS LEVERAGED UP THE WAZOO, IN YESHIVA TUITION, AND DRY CLEANING BILLS

EVEN HIS IN-LAWS HAVE BEGUN SETTING LIMITS

 

WHAT WERE SUMMERS IN ISRAEL, JUST A FEW YEARS AGO

HAVE BEEN REDUCED TO JUST THE CATSKILLS, AND JUST FOR SHABBOS NACHAMU.  WHAT A DRAG!

 

HIS SHTENDER REMAINS EMPTY MOST OF THE DAY

MUCH TIME FOR LEARNING IS NOW SPENT ON FACEBOOK

 

HE IS CONSIDERING A GARAGE SALE

TO SELL HIS SURPLUS SHABBOS LAMPS,

HIS SHAS HE NEVER OPENS,

AND HIS COLLECTION OF HOCKER BASEBALL CAPS

 

NEXT YEAR, HIS SON GOES AWAY TO ISRAEL

IF HE FLIPS OUT, HE MAY HAVE TO PAY FOR TWO YEARS

 

SO BEHOLD, HASHEM OUR GOD

IF INDEED YOU HAVE FORSAKEN US TO AMERICAN CONSUMERISM

COULD YOU AT LEAST PROVIDE US WITH SOME CLARITY

LIKE SOME GOOD STOCK PICKS, OR A DISCOUNT AT POMEGRANATE

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