Guest post by Andonymous
Hope you like the attached content! I call it “modern day Eichah,” since we obviously have trouble relating to the one we read every year. Feel free to post the audio and the text files on your site.
Kol tuv achi!
MODERN DAY EICHAH – click the link to hear the author singing his version of Eicha which is very applicable for our modern times.
Lyrics below:
“A MODERN DAY EICHAH FOR OUR TIMES”
BEHOLD, THE PLIGHT OF THE WELL-TO-DO ORTHODOX MALE
HE ONCE WAS SO CONTENT, NOW, BEHOLD, HE IS TROUBLED
WHAT ONCE WERE SWEET TAP WATERS FLOWING WITH FLOURIDE
NOW, PRESENT HIM WITH DOUBTS OF BUGS IN IT
HIS WIFE WAS ONCE A STUNNING SIZE 2 HOT CHANI
NOW, SHE HAS STARTED TO SAG UNDER HER ARMS
HER HOT CHANI FRIENDS HAVE ABANDONED HER
AND NO LONGER INVITE HER TO MID-AFTERNOON SUSHI
BEHOLD! HIS DAUGHTER WHO ONCE WAS 19
NOW, ALAS, IS SINGLE AND 23
WHAT WAS ONCE A FLOURISHING PORTFOLIO
LAYS DORMANT, AS SOME OBSOLETE STOCK PICKS
THE SEASON TICKETS, EVEN BOX SEATS AT SHEA
ALAS, HAVE BECOME UPPER DECK AT CITI FIELD
THE FULL PAGE GOLD AD IN THE ANNUAL SHUL JOURNAL
HAS BEEN REDUCED TO A SHAMEFUL QUARTER-PAGE
HE HAS EVEN CONSIDERED TRADING IN
THE NAVIGATOR FOR A USED ACURA
HE IS LEVERAGED UP THE WAZOO, IN YESHIVA TUITION, AND DRY CLEANING BILLS
EVEN HIS IN-LAWS HAVE BEGUN SETTING LIMITS
WHAT WERE SUMMERS IN ISRAEL, JUST A FEW YEARS AGO
HAVE BEEN REDUCED TO JUST THE CATSKILLS, AND JUST FOR SHABBOS NACHAMU. WHAT A DRAG!
HIS SHTENDER REMAINS EMPTY MOST OF THE DAY
MUCH TIME FOR LEARNING IS NOW SPENT ON FACEBOOK
HE IS CONSIDERING A GARAGE SALE
TO SELL HIS SURPLUS SHABBOS LAMPS,
HIS SHAS HE NEVER OPENS,
AND HIS COLLECTION OF HOCKER BASEBALL CAPS
NEXT YEAR, HIS SON GOES AWAY TO ISRAEL
IF HE FLIPS OUT, HE MAY HAVE TO PAY FOR TWO YEARS
SO BEHOLD, HASHEM OUR GOD
IF INDEED YOU HAVE FORSAKEN US TO AMERICAN CONSUMERISM
COULD YOU AT LEAST PROVIDE US WITH SOME CLARITY
LIKE SOME GOOD STOCK PICKS, OR A DISCOUNT AT POMEGRANATE
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