The Fables of Schwartzie: Part 1

A bonobo monkey went to the doctor. “You are 98.7% human,” the doctor told him.

“It can’t be,” the monkey cried in disbelief. “The humans are killing each other on a massive scale, and destroying my habitat in the process.”

“I’m afraid it’s true,” the doctor said. “Your test results do not lie.”

The monkey went home a mess of confusion. “What’s for dinner?” he asked his wife distractedly.

“Hamburgers,” she said.

The monkey bit into his rare burger and as the juices dripped down his chin he mopped them up with a napkin. “Delicious,” he said.

The cow’s relatives will be sitting shiva at the Hochberg ranch in New Goshen, New York for the remainder of the week.