The 20 most skipped parts of davening

Yes I have spoken about this before and yes I have even made videos asking other people what parts of davening they are most likely to skip, but I never actually made a good list of the parts that I and most everyone who’s part of the lazydox, not enough time or energy in the morning to bother with long winded Aramaic prayers that we don’t understand anyway crowd.

Modeh Ani: I know it’s sad considering that every kid’s first prayer is modeh ani, but I’ve always neglected it, maybe one of you can give me a good reason to memorize it so I can have something to say before I rock the negel vaaser.

That stuff after the brachas: There are some parts of davening that I say sometimes, maybe I have some extra time or feel like throwing an extra bone to the Lord, but I’m sorry to say that I have never ever in my life even touched that stuff between the brachos and baruch sheomar. I’ve never said that strange shema and I’ve never rocked it with the ketores – although I’ve heard that if you say the ketores thing a few times a day you go straight to heaven, get a better shidduch or some other thing that is always canceled out by the sins you do which make you go straight to hell.

Hodu: Lets face it, hodu is really long and in many siddurs it’s this long 3 pages straight of unbroken prayer that basically does the same thing as the shorter and easier to read hallelukas. Seriously, if the folks at the artscroll monopoly would break up the darned paragraphs in HoduI I’m willing to bet that it may not make it to next years “most skipped parts of davening” list.

Uz Yasheer: Why don’t we just throw in that v’charos imo stuff while we’re at it, I don’t say it, do you? Yes, I know it’s all about the splitting the sea and all of God’s glory, but shit man – we just praised God for like 15 pages and I’m in the mood of sitting – oh wait, we have to stand for yishtabach – dang it.

Post Shema Stuff: Look, when you’re davening half asleep in your underwear you just want to skip that stuff, but in shul I usually say it, but since I never really it I’m slow and usually end up skipping right into shemona esrei after shema. I’m pretty sure that most people do this as well.

Tachnun on Mondays and Thursdays: This is obvious, need I explain to you why no one actually goes through with it. I myself wait until the putting down of the head – everyone’s favorite part of davening because you can catch a quick shluff with your tefillin on.

Uva Letziyon: The Aramaic sucks and it’s at the end of davening anyway, that part where if you’re in shul you can pretend to be a multi tasker and take off your tefillin while mumbling incoherent prayers which God himself cannot understand.

The Wednesday Yom: No I don’t say the Yom except if I happen to be in shul on Friday (I can’t remember the last time that happened) and most definitely not the Wednesday Yom – it’s like double the size of all the other shiur shel yom’s. I wonder if the Wednesday Yom was kind of like a biblical Hump Day?

Burchi Nafshi: Never said it and I’m sure most you don’t either.

L’dovid: It’s almost that time of year when I promise the Lord that I will attempt to say L’dovid so I can get good enough at it to finish in under 15 minutes, but alas I always give up when I realize that while I’m three pasukim in everyone else has left the shul.

Kinos: Ah such fond memories of Tisha B’Av and terrible memories of kinos, the most neglected and daunting prayer in the entire Artscroll repertoire. Seriously it should be banned, I would even volunteer to say Yom Kippur musaf over any kinos. What sucks most about kinos is that you’re sitting on the floor so you usually can’t pass the time by looking over the mechitza and all you want to do is hum the eicha tune.

Hoshanos: I wonder if anyone says them when they aren’t forced to rock it lulav train style in shul? Yes I say hoshanos, but once I lose my place I just walk around screaming the first three hoshanos while I poke peole in their butts with my lulav (woa that sounds really gay)

Repeating Shemona Esrei: Sure, I’ve done it a couple of times, but whenever I screw up and miss some insertion that forces me to repeat shemona esrei I convince myself that I really did say hamelech hakadosh or yale v’yavo. I have a feeling most people don’t repeat shempona esrei.

Bimeh Madliken: So few people actually say this prayer that many left wing modern orthodox congregations have done away with the practice of saying these mishnayos about kindling. I am kind of jealous of my dad who can say it in like 3 minutes flat by heart.

Vayiten Lecha: Shabbos is over and God says, hold the truck up, you need to say just one more long drawn out prayer before you can leave – it’s almost as bad as kiddush levana.

Kiddush Levana: Let’s just say you missed Saturday evening shul one week and it happened to be kiddush levana, then someone tells you to say kiddush levana before it’s too late…do you say it? I sure as hell don’t, who would answer my shalom aleichem’s? I also would feel that much stupider praying to the moon God by myself without the company of the men in black.

Brich Shemei: I’ve said it once…

Full Hallel: I say it begrudgingly, but I bet many people don’t.

Up next: The stuff I actually do say everyday…yes I daven three times day even though maariv is a reshus – whatever the heck that means.

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