Post shomer negiah philosophy

Dear Heshy,

Let me start off by commending you on creating one of my favorite websites and a place I can go to escape the ever-so-prevalent bullshit in our culture.  No more bullshit!  Kudos.

I am 23, male, single, and a virgin.  Being Shomer Negiah was a choice I made when I was about 12, under the assumption that when I was in my late teens or early 20’s I would get my own place, get a stable job, and find my bashert with ease and with Divine help (after all, seeing I held off on sex through my teens would be a huge incentive for G-d to throw my soul-mate my way, right?).  Wow, truly the decision to be Shomer was that of a boy, not a man.

My life now is very different from what I envisioned it would be 10 years ago, and I don’t have to tell you, I’m sure you sympathize, but a man gets lonely and a look at the circumstances makes you feel desperate.  Every human being needs love, whether or not it is in the context of a sexual relationship.

After doing much soul-searching and research, as well as taking into account how unpopular Shomer Negiah is purported to be among our generation, a new paradigm for approaching abstinence has come into my conscious thought.  I call it “Shomer Ahavah.”  What this concept means is this: I am not Shomer Negiah, and I am also not NOT Shomer Negiah.  It’s not about physical touch anymore, because the focus is no longer getting some quick play and getting one’s rocks off.  The focus is a mature, loving relationship with another like-minded person.  Thus, being Shomer Ahavah means I am aware of HOW I FEEL toward another person before I make my decision about physical contact, whatever it may be.

I think Shomer Ahavah, if it catches on, will eventually complement and replace Shomer Negiah, because while SN may have worked a little bit when you are a teenager in NCSY, we’re f—ing grown-ups now, and playing it up to be like a child’s kissing game is just so juvenile, and doesn’t give adults credit for their maturity and higher-level thinking.  This isn’t 6th Grade, and we aren’t talking about playing spin the bottle at a sleepover.  This is adult life, and love is a basic need, whether or not physical touch is deemed to be.  That is a call every MATURE, THINKING ADULT must make for him- or herself.

Kol tuv, Heshy!
Keep up the gevaldicke zachen, and if you’d like to reprint this on FrumSatire, you have my blessing.
-Anonymous

My response: Although I appreciate your kind words and will encourage you to keep reading my blog I cannot let such drek, such narashkeit, such foolish anti-halachic rhetoric pass through my airspace without displaying any rage. I bet you would also support the gays right to marry, because after all they need that basic love, would you also support a kleptomaniac’s right to steal because it’s his basic need. How can you justify going against halacha for basic needs. Did you know the term shomer negiah is merely an invention by the modern orthodox kiruv world to justify their entire existence.  Shomer negiah is not a choice, just because you feel horny because you are so far removed from the beis medrish that you don;t even know what this weeks parshah is doesn’t give you a right to make a mockery of blatant halacha. It clearly states in the shulchan aruch, the aruch hashulchan, the tur, chayei adam and mishna brura that touching members of the opposite sex is always forbidden unless you are trying ti have children.

Don’t even get me started on this concept of love, love is a goyishe zach and must not be confused with marriage for the purpose of pru-rivu. Love is a fairy tale, this is the cause of the shidduch crisis and with love you will get nowhere. Love ismost definitely not in our mesorah, do you think Rav Moshe or Rav Yaakov loved their wives when they wed,m how could they? But those relationships worked out pretty well, hence love is not something to strive for. Making these excuses that you feel gripped by the yetzer harah who convinced you that you were lonely when all you needed was torah to fill your time.

You are a shame to society, you will bring the mabul sooner and I suggest you get married quick  before the mabul comes so you will not have to resort to illicit animal relationships in the ark.

By the way I approached this topic in a post called Tachlis with Benefits

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