Rachel’s hot letters.

Tznius, my ass.I love reading Rachel’s hot letters on the Jewish Press.  It turns me on like the fridge light after havdalah.  Take this letter from a few weeks ago, about the crisis in our communities — crisis — that means tension and yes, I was tense  So I started to read the letter.

Dear Rachel,
I am writing this out of my soul-piercing anguish at the epidemic of married “frum” women who dress provocatively. They shamelessly dare to flaunt their failure to observe halacha at every simcha these days, even yeshivsh ones, and in certain orthodox neighborhoods they are unfortunately the rule, not the exception.

So I’m thinking — yah, yah.  I have read so many letters that start this way.  My mind started to wonder — how do you pierce a soul.  I know about some other body piercing, the sensitive skin, parts that we don’t see, but you can feel.  mmm.  But then I thought — hey maybe there’s more to read.  Provocative — nice.  Flaunting is such a great word too.  I bet they are flaunting lots of stuff… reading on….

You know who they are – they are hard to miss with their enormous, garishly styled custom wigs, which they obviously spent a fortune on, wigs which to an unschooled onlooker could not pass for the wearer’s natural hair for their sheer size alone. They wear tons of makeup, usually favoring lots of gothic dark eye makeup, and their clothes are so tight it is a wonder they breathe.

Well I got this far and realized this letter was going to do it for me.  Yes, we are in hot Chani territory — and the idea of her clothing so tight started to stir a unmistakable feeling between my slacks and the laptop. Those hot frum words — Enormous, sheer size, alone! — oh yah baby!  Goth fetish, well not my thing, but a bit of submission might work this time.  Al chet this one.

They clunk around suggestively in shoes so uncomfortable it hurts to look at them. To top it off, there is a growing trend among these women not to even pretend to cover their knees. Short, panty-line accentuating pencil skirts are everywhere, often with details like huge, inviting zippers and slits that reveal everything when the wearer bends over. Adding insult to the injury these abominable women cause to the dignity of Orthodox Jews everywhere are the flashy designer labels these women usually sport, as if to boast with pride that they have abandoned Judaism for the values of the television.

Hmmm, they are into pain, that’s kinky. Short skirts, panty-lines, curves on the thighs, downblouse MILFs flashing in Boro Park. Bending over, inviting zippers, I started to think of the cleavage hinted by the luchos over the aron hakodesh, how the curves meet to form a smooth line that just goes down — how far? I could only imagine.  I wanted to read the designer labels, I bet Leibel wanted to read the labels on those pencil skirts.  Wow, reading the Jewish Press was getting me hot – good thing I keep my copy in the bathroom.  Better than the underwear ads in the regular paper.  Slits — what a wonderful word, sound it out slowly.  mmm.

These women are a disgrace to Orthodox Judaism and should not be tolerated. They paint the most obnoxious, insulting and degrading anti-Semitic caricature of Jewish women – that of materialistic, religiously hypocritical wives. Their values are those of the sewer, of the porn industry: attract sexual attention at all cost.

Talk dirty to me honey.  Degrading, covered in mud, wrestling in the dirt — slippery.  This was gevaltic — the Jewish Press talking about the porn industry.  Not just porn mind you — but the industry itself.  And the sexual attention.  The insulting femdom channies who slap their men with tefilin retzuos, tie them up with gartlels, and drip havdalah wax on their chest.  Man, I was working it good.

They are going to burn in Gehenom for every lustful glance their garishly flaunted bodies attract from frum men, and are a pischon peh to the yetzer hara of every non-orthodox woman considering embracing tznius (Why be orthodox? The rabbi at your Reform temple dresses more modestly than that!) or for any financially strapped couple struggling with the idea of sending their children to Jewish day school (Why kill yourself with tuition? Look what trash comes out of those schools!). What these women are essentially saying through their attire is that they care so little for Torah and mitzvos that they do not even want to be publicly identified with it.

Pischon peh — that’s a term I’ve never heard on a porn site — but hey it sure works for me.  The lustful glance of those bedroom eyes looking up from a point of view pischon peh shot.  And the embracing, the hot reform rabbi, the day-school girls — oh no that’s sick, too young — how about the Japanese school girls — oh there we go again.

It is my wish that these women will one day be given the cold shoulder and be made to feel unwelcome at every kosher restaurant, simcha hall, clothing store or shul. They should not be allowed to publicly disgrace Orthodox Judaism. And their obvious marital frustration should be addressed in therapy, rather than advertised to the construction workers hooting at them in the street.

For shame!

Oh the cold shoulder.  The loving message.  I sure needed a cold shower too.  But it was too late.  Frustration over.  I had a kleenex full of little potential Telzers.  Flush.  Yes, I was feeling a bit flush.  But then again, that’s what the Jewish Press does for me.  Thank you letters to Rachel.

Photo credit: Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas on Flickr