A Girl’s Guide to Shadchan-Speak
by Chaya Miriam Jurado
Why should guys have all the fun? The following may or may not help you with your search.
*He’s a bookkeeper = he can’t even change the windshield wipers on his car;
*Used to play football = fat;
*Learns in Kollel = unemployed;
*Is it okay with you if he has children? = …because all eight of them are going to hate you;
*Really affectionate = has already put a tracking device on your phone;
*Will not relocate from Monsey = [insert expletive here];
*Committed to shalom bayis = sex fiend;
*Graduated from YU = can’t grow a beard to save his life;
*Good with kids = 5’3”;
*Enjoys quiet nights at home = start stocking up on Coors Light;
*Comes from a good family = never gets off the phone with his mother;
*How do you feel about an age difference? = I’ve got a 19-year-old and a 57-year-old, take your pick;
*Impeccable midos = going bald;
*Likes baseball = has a TV…with HBO;
*Seeking an open-minded girl = wants you to live with him first;
*Has a youthful energy = uncontrollable acne;
*Wants to see you again = change your phone number, quick!