50 ways to appear really really frum

50 Ways to Appear Really, Really Really Frum

By Avi Stavsky (never got back to me whether he wanted it to be anonymous)

1. Separate your garbage into milchig and fleishig garbage bins. Never mix the two. Parv garbage can be added to either bin.

2. Refuse to eat hard boiled eggs when served, since they may contain a bloodspot.

3. Call people whose name ends in “el”, “kel” instead, as in: Danikel, Gavrikel, Shmukel and Urikel.

4. Spit vigorously in front of churches, mosques and your neighbor’s house (because he listens to Neshama Carlebach’s CDs….)

5. Tell everybody men are not obligated to say “amen” if a woman recites a brocha.

6. Tell the guy across the street to get rid of his Golden Retriever because “dogs are tomei.”

7. Say “yemach shemo” whenever someone mentions Hitler, Herzl, Ben-Gurion, Rabin or Sharon.

8. Take away the pair of red shoes your 10-year old daughter got for a birthday present from aunt Sheyndl. Tell her “it’s not tzniyusdik to wear such shoes.”

9. Keep your refrigerator’s light off…permanently.

10. Never clean your talis or wash your tzitzis.

11. Say “asher yatsar” loudly in shul when you return to your seat after using the restroom.

12. Shake your head and mutter “tsk, tsk” when you see a mixed bunch of teen-agers congregating in the park on Shabbos.

13. Tell everyone you meet that the shulchan aruch says a man should not walk between two dogs, two pigs or two women. Tell them it also says two men should not allow a dog, a pig or a woman to walk between them.

14. Tell the old man in shul that he and his eighty-something wife should stop using the Shabbos elevator in their building, and if they die from a heart attack climbing to their 15th floor condo, at least it’ll be le-shem shomayim.

15. If you’re in Monsey, Lakewood, Boro Park, Crown Heights, Baltimore, Gateshead or Manchester, go into a restaurant and ask to examine the hashgacha. Then look at it, shake your head and say, “sorry, I don’t hold by this hashgacha” and walk out.

16. Make sure everyone in shul says tachnun on Yom Haatsmaut. Tell them, “it’s no yomtov after all.”

17. If you’re invited over to people’s house for Shabbos, tell them not to open the refrigerator door the whole Shabbos as they could cause the compressor to kick in.

18. When you visit your best friend who got married seven months ago, ask him, “Nu?” if his wife doesn’t appear to be pregnant.

19. Always name your children in loshen kodesh, i.e. Avrohom, Dovid, Yitzchok, Rochel, Sora, but never, chas ve’chalilo, in modern Hebrew, i.e. Avraham, David, Itzhak, Rachel and Sara. The more the names are combined with Yiddish names, the better. A nice boy’s name would be Moshe Dov Bear Tsvi Yankel Hirsch. A girl could be Sora Malka Devoyra Golda.

20. On Shabbos, have tashmish with your wife with a shinui. (Shelo kedarka is good. If vaseline is used, consult a rav. )

21. Don’t eat any kitniyos on Pesach Sheni.

22. Clean out your Shabbos and Yom Tov candlesticks from leftover wax; save it in a plastic bag and burn it with your chometz erev Pesach. After all, a brocha was made over the candles, so you can’t just throw it away.

23. Fill all your bookshelves with seforim, especially sifre kodesh. No need to actually read the books, much less study from them, but be sure to display prominently all over the house.

24. Refuse to sit in an airplane’s middle seat when you see you’re sitting between two women. (If they’re exceptionally beautiful, sit there anyhow and do teshuva later).

25. Wear your tallis to shul on Shabbos even though you know there’s an Eruv in place. If asked, say, “I don’t hold by that Eruv.”

26. When giving a dvar Torah, a drash or simply a speech, be sure to shockle back and forth. Remember: what you actually say is not as important as maintaining an even shockling.

27. When visiting friends, knock on their door instead of ringing their doorbell, even if it’s not Shabbos or Yom Tov. This is especially useful if you visit the non-frum.

28. Insist your family sits in the pouring rain on the first night of Sukkos. If they complain, tell them it’s “le-shem shomayim.”

29. When encountering a friend in the supermarket, look suspiciously into their shopping basket and say something like, “You eat that kind of cheese?”

30. Cover your head with your talis before kedusha, remove it immediately afterwards.

31. Lobby your City Councilperson to introduce public transportation with separate seating for men and women.

32. Refuse the invitation to your cousin Shlomie’s daughter’s bat-mitzva. If pressed, say “there’s no halachic basis for a bas-mitzva anyhow.”

33. If invited to someone’s house for Shabbos dinner, remove your jacket right after kiddush and put it on again just before benching.

34. On Pesach, if you’re leading the Seder, make sure the meal isn’t served before at least 10:45 p.m., but then make them all hurry to finish the afikomen before chatzos.

35. When davening in shul and you get to the “shema”, read the shema out of a mezuza klaf – the larger, the better.

36. When talking to a friend, throw in “Le-chatchila” in your sentences every once in awhile, regardless if the person you’re talking to understands the term or not.

37. Immediately chastise anyone you hear saying anything disparaging about Neturei Karta. Say, “these are the gedolim of our generation, the real Yiden! Everyone knows what tzadikim they are!”

38. If you’re wearing a black hat in shul and a tallis, cover your head with the tallis, then put the hat back on.

39. Always say “baruch Hashem” instead of “yes”, and “chas ve-chalila” instead of “no.” This is especially useful when you’re talking to goyim or Reformed Jews.

40. If your wife has a headache Shabbos, tell her taking medication for it is a violation of one of the 39 melachos. (You have a heter for the medication if your own headache interferes with your kavona during davening).

41. Inform your Sephardic neighbor that he can’t have kitniyos on Pesach since you found out he had an Ashkenazi grandparent.

42. Say “amen” during kaddish when the sha’tz gets to “brich hu.”

43. Tell everyone, “really frum people can’t be vegetarians because it’s a mitzva to eat meat on Shabbos.”

44. When you’re out for a Shabbos amble with your family, make sure your wife and daughter(s) walk at least a few feet behind you and your son(s). If the weather is especially icy or slippery, or G-D forbid you live in an area where there are land mines, this stringency does not have to be enforced.

45. Get to shul especially early on a fast day and turn the shul clock back at least five minutes to make sure no one breaks their fast even a minute before the zman.

46. If your wife, daughter(s) or especially your mother-in-law annoy you, say to yourself (but loud enough for them to hear), “shlo asani isho.” Note: don’t do this if your own mother may hear you!

47. Don’t have a TV anywhere in the house. It’s o.k. to use a computer with a mega-sized screen. Make sure when you search certain websites that you’re doing so “le-shem shomayim,” as when you investigate what the kids have been visiting.

48. Keep the Three Weeks before Tisha B’av by making sure your family eats only dairy. Don’t wait for just the Nine Days. If anyone complains, tell them it’s leshem shomayim.

49. Make sure you send wedding invitations to all your 2nd, 3rd and 4th cousins when your 9 or 10 kids get married. (Never bother calling or contacting them otherwise from year to year.)

50. When davening in the morning, be sure to check your tefillin in your tefillin mirror at least once every 10 minutes or so. If you don’t have a mirror, fiddle with the shel rosh anyway.