101 reasons why I want to get married

So I found this really super lame post called 101 reasons to get married, so lame was it (I would love to articulate the lameness of it a bit more – but I don’t want to make the author of it commit suicide, so let’s just saw it made me want to puke into the jar I just opened for her), that I decided to copy her and make my own – super lame list. I felt so lame writing the list that I stopped at 59 because I couldn’t take the suckiness any longer.

1. Family is the purpose of life
2. God told me so
3. It’s a mitzvah
4. Makes sex into a mitzvah, now it’s just a sin we 612ers like to ignore and blame on our yetzer harah’s.
5. I need a backpacking partner who’s butt is nice to look at on those long Sierra Climbs
6. Would be nice to have someone to cook for
7. I could get a lot more material for the blog and comedy shows
8. I can finally get my sheitle farm off the ground
9. My wife can promote my dread-lock sheitle idea
10. I can host shabbos meals and end when I (we) want to end
11. Mikvah night sounds like fun
12. To get my father off my back
13. So people can stop bitching about me needing to get laid – to think that sexual activity would tame me – oy you people have it so wrong.
14. So I don’t have to deal with groupies anymore
15. To save money on dating and online dating sites
16. Maybe my wife will get me to go to shul once in a while
17. Not receiving calls from ex-girlfriends telling me they are carrying my child would be nice.
18. To save money on porn (haven’t bought a porn mag in 10 years or so)
19. Someone to make my off the grid experiences a bit less lonely.
20. Someone to speak my kitchen Spanish to (all of my Spanish is about guys getting with girls, picking up hookers and telling guys they are gay in a variety of ways)
21. So I can claim I told you so to all those people including myself who never thought I would find someone who can handle me or my large foreskinless yad.
22. I can finally start my heimishe wife swapping club.
23. My wife can tell all about her kallah classes in intricate detail.
24. To have reason to keep my house tidy and in order
25. So I can give up my cell phone (I would do it, if my partner had one)
26. Would be nice to have someone to listen to all my sick mind babblings during weddings and shul
27. Someone to make eyes at over the mechitzah
28. So I can stop being a shidduch crisis statistic
29. A reliable editor (who knows I may marry someone who can spell)
30. I always wanted to be on a date with someone and have them start yelling and then over turn the table on me – I’m sure whoever I marry will be down with such shenanigans.
31. Would be nice to have a female in some of my funny Jewish videos – lots of ideas with that one.
32. Spending rainy days in bed alone sucks!
33. Sleeping alone kind blows too!
34. Sleeping with someone under the stars rocks!
35. Someone to throw into my Dutch oven.
36. So when I go to Far Rockaway to visit the family, I’ll have someone to hang out with.
37. Hopefully she’ll be down with guest posting – I know already she’ll be interesting because I can’t settle for less.
38. Because my dreams of hiking the Appalachian Trail and Pacific Crest Trails will only be fulfilled with that special lady.
39. I need someone who knows how to sew my pant holes.
40. Road trip partners are super hard to come by, especially ones you can have outdoors sex with.
41. Yes I want some little brats running around.
42. I do want the old man to be grandfather.
43. I have this fantasy about having several of the most interesting people I know – sitting together at my wedding.
44. To prove to my “keep up with the frummy friends” that a frum wedding can be done on the cheap and still be cool.
45. Always wanted to rock it yichud room style.
46. Wedding registry at REI baby (my brother just did it and got tons of goodies, like snowshoes and climbing gear)
47. So I can blog about how lame those couples events are.
48. I really want to go to the OU marriage enrichment seminar – it sounds lamer than this post!
49. So I can be an official shadchan on saw you at sinai and talk about the madness (anonymously of course)
50. Oh the fun will have screwing with frummies…
51. Maybe I’ll start taking showers more than once a month.
52. I’m getting sick of mooching shabbos meals and places to stay every week.
53. I can finally have those big rowdy shabbos meals I dream about.
54. I really want to cook for all the peeps who’ve had me over for dozens of shabbosim in my life (although I probably won’t be anywhere near the east coast – suckers)
55. If I get laid off, there will be at least some backup.
56. Tax cuts baby.
57. Someone to wear deodorant for.
58. Someone to bounce blog post ideas off of.
59. Did I mention a backpacking partner?

HT Bad for shidduchim – who also had a link to the less lame and easier to write 101 reasons not to get married.