40 year old frum virgin: How not having sex ruined my life!

I didn’t know what blogs were when I stumbled upon Nice Jewish Girl back in 2005, it was super interesting to read about a frum girl struggling with her natural sex drive and the halachic requirements of shomer negiah. She just updated her blog for the first time in 5 years and it’s terribly sad to read about how being shomer negiah has pretty much ruined her life (especially when she could have just went to the mikvah which is 100% halachically permitted)

Nice Jewish Girl is one of the few blogs in which every single post is interesting, it’s not just about the sex, it’s about the pure emotion, heartbreak and existential problems she is focusing on while telling her tale. Despite being an “old blog” there is much to be learned and reading about a frum girl masturbating and telling others why she went out and bought her first vibrator is totally awesome!

Now I know some of you realize that I cannot relate to this, I first kissed a girl when I was 14 (it was sloppy and gross) and although I have a policy that encourages shomer negiah while outside of a tachlis situation (I do not hug random girls, shake their hands or sit next to them on couchesrather save the touching for the good stuff) – my experience with keeping negiah is that it screws with your head (makes you think you want someone more than you do) Breaking negiah also screws with your head, so I myself like to wait until I’m positive that the relationship will go somewhere beyond a one night or weekend stand before I make any moves. I think that shomer negiah is a noble and worthwhile endeavor – as long as it doesn’t drive you away from God in the process. As you will note in Nice Jewish Girls’ blog she has been driven away in the process and I am definitely against that. My theory is that breaking one halacha in order to keep dozens more is the way to go.

Below is her first post ever written – copied and pasted here to give you a glimpse into the world of a frum 40 year old virgin:

Writing is not my best skill. In high school and college I got OK grades in English, but there are other things I am much better at. Writing does not come naturally to me.

So why am I making a blog about something so personal?

First, because in the last few years, being S.N. to me has become a little like living in jail. There is a world out there (my married friends, my not frum friends) who are enjoying being sexual people, and I am imprisoned in my single, religious, Nice Jewish Girl life. Sometimes I think that if I do not have sex I will explode. Sometimes I think that if I do not find out what it feels like to have a man’s hands on me, I will go crazy. Maybe this blog is the explosion! Maybe after all I have gone crazy!

Another reason I am blogging is that I want support from other people who are in the same situation. I do of course have some single friends who have similar problems. We talk about it. But in many cases, being S.N. does not bother them as much as it bothers me. Some friends have told me that they cry sometimes because they feel lonely, but no one else has told me that they cry sometimes because they are sexually starving. Maybe they just will not admit it. But it seems like they are not so in touch with themselves. Not figuratively and not literally. I do not know any other frum women as far as I know who own a vibrator for example. I have owned three and do not know how I would survive without it. What does that mean? Who understands?

Her posts are long and complex and I think it’s best to go to her site and read them. Below are several links to posts I think that are worth reading.

Responding to some very interesting comments

The real problem

I have no good choices and feel trapped

Her first kiss

Long post of interest