Things you may need to be frummer than everyone else

Being frum isn’t cheap, tuition, kosher meat, bug free vegetables and shul membership can put a stranglehold on anyone, but if you really want to be frum, not just modern orthodox, or marginally frum, but really frum – you have to pay up and it will cost you dearly, but you can always look down on others for not being frum enough and that makes it a worthwhile investment.

The following list is full of items you may need to follow your dreams of pretentious frummy, after purchasing or shall I say investing in the following items – you can go to shul assured that you are frummer than everyone else and can therefore start telling people that they will be going to gehenom, losing their chelek in olam haba or you can merely tell them why they aren’t really frum and God forbid modernishe.

Items that frummer than thou frummies could use to be ultra frummy:

Light Box: Let’s face it, there are bugs in vegetables, the funny thing about light boxes is that people who don’t eat vegetables don’t need them and based on statistics – most frummies rarely venture past potatoes and iceberg lettuce that’s been tripple washed and inspected by frummies with magnifying glasses – but just in case someone asks, you can tell them you have a lightbox and brag about how you find bugs all the time.

Chosson and Kallah Beds: You follow the laws of niddah so strictly that you decided to splurge for the not quite king, not small enough to be queen size beds made by frummies so they can force you to by custom sheets from them. Fear not my friends, when discussion questionable stained cloth halachos with your Rav – you can slip in that you only sleep on regulation chosson and kallah beds.

Wine Fountain: The wine fountain was actually created by really strict keepers of niddah, because they noticed that the husband had to pass his cup to his wife and people may be able to tell that it was that time of month. The wine fountain is a must in any frummy home and you can rebuke your friends for not having one and being over the chumra of insane niddah practices.

Hatzoloh Stickers: There was a time not so long ago when every phone had a hatzoloh sticker on it, those times are gone, people now just call 911 and it’s a disgrace that they aren’t supporting the frum ambulance service first. Be sure to have one of those stickers on your cell phone and pasted around your house. Next time you hear of someone who drove in a goyishe ambulance you can tell them they were responsible for some typhoon in Asia or something.

Fancy Mayim Achronim thing: The next time you attend a shabbos meal and someone passes you two cups of water (one usually containing a dirty spoon) for mayim achronim, you should have no problem telling them why they are going to die in a fiery crash because they don’t have enough water to actually get the salt off their fingertips and the dirty cup of water with the spoon is freaking gross.

Haftorah Klaph: They can be pricier than a tikkun, but everyone worth their weight in urine know that only the frummest people lain from klaphs and whipping out your klaph in shul is likely to elicit shock from those who read the English Stone Chumashim and think they are being yotze their shnayim mikra.

Portable Mechitza: There’s no better way to make a kiddush Hashem than to whip out your handy travel mechitza when your modern orthodox relatives wedding turns into a club night and there’s no better way to prevent unwanted pritzus (is there ever really unwanted pritzus?) than to whip out your portable mechitza while sitting on a bench in Jerusalem on a nice summer day.

Solid Gold Esrog Box: I saw a guy with one of these once and right away trusted him with my personal shayala’s – he was so holy that he only wanted the best for his overpriced bumpy lemon. You can also rebuke your friends (if they are so unfrum they shouldn’t be your friends) and neighbors for not being hiddur mitzvah by keeping their citron’s wrapped in old synthetic sheitles and cardboard boxes.

Custom Key Belt: When it comes down to it, eruv’s are treife, it’s moris ayin for those who don’t hold of them and those people who wear keys on their belts are obviously not too serious about being frum. They are a bit pricey, but you should get one of those custom key belts and wear it all week so it’s your regular beged. The perks are abounds, besides for once again reiterating that you are supreme frummy of them all, you can also abolish any eruv holders as apikorsim.

Winning Lottery Ticket: It may take you a lot of tickets to get the winning ticket, but imagine how your chelek will grow when God learns that you have gone against what it says in Pirkei Avos and forced your children into a lifetime of handouts, shteiging and instant coffee in BMG. Kollel aint cheap, so you may want to start picking numbers now.

Basement Business Startup Cash: Look, if you can’t afford to spend all your money on lottery tickets and want to assure your children a little spending cash for splurging on things like cranberry kugel and white meat chicken – you may want to invest some cash in some sort of basement business for your new daughter in law. I hear that basement photography studios and sheitle salons are all the rage.