Torat Hamelech: Book Review

I just finished reading Torat Hamelech, the recent book that has become the talk of the town in Jerusalem and I just don’t see what the big deal is. Sure, it said that you should kill non-Jews, but this is a Torah commandment and if you call yourself a Torah Jew, you better be killing some non-Jews, it’s no different than z’man kiras shema and learning chitas. I myself am all for the killing of non-Jews, they make goyishe music, they temp us with chukas hagoyim and they have created this discrepancy between beged ish and beged isha which has led to great rifts between modern orthodox and plain old orthodox Jews – they obviously deserve to die.

Could you imagine if we could have had a good reason to be killing non-Jews all along? Life would have been so much more decent for us frum Jews, we would have killed off Kennedy when he refused to wear a hat to shachris, we could have killed the inventor of the collapsable mechitza which made mixed dancing viable. We could have killed the inventor of the miniskirt and we could have killed the inventor of the internet, sure not a Jew.

Killing non-Jews would have helped us much in the times of the inquisition, Holocaust and any other tim where they killed us instead of we killed them – we may not have any holidays in that case, but we wouldn’t have had to suffer through such a poor read as Torat Hemelech, I may have said that killing non-Jews isn’t such a big deal, but the least the authors of Torat Hamelech could have done was fit in a decent plot.

There was no love story like I expected, I has heard that there may be some frum Romeo and Juliet thing going down – like a frum boy falls in love with a non-Jew and then the parents kill her so he isn’t tempted to go along with such destruction, would have reminded me of the time my dad threw out my entire porn collection and we had no internet connection, but this isn’t what the book was about.

In all honesty, I couldn’t get through much of the book, killing non-Jews is one of those hot topics of the moment, but I just don’t understand why they couldn’t have made it more interesting. It is a rather interesting subject, all it listed were the halachos surrounding the kill, like that you couldn;t say tachnun on the day of the kill, but you couldn’t do the kill on shabbos or in front of a bathroom (the stench would be overpowering you know) oh and not only does the book say that it’s cool to kill non-Jews, but you also have to get their kids and wives too (those frummies, always paying attention to details). Unfortunately, the book failed to mention whether I can keep their stuff when I off them and whether or not we have to check to make sure they are in fact not Jewish, or if we can rely on a chazaka, or if they get a free pass if they are converting.

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