Shidduch rejection stories from the front lines

We’ve all heard about shidduch being broken due to non-white table cloth usage on shabbos, the boys having no laces in their shoes (says they are lazy) and the girl going to the wrong seminary, but those tales are old and new ones, scarier ones have become common place in society, well in Lakewood and Brooklyn Ir Hahodesh at least.

Everyone knows the one about the girl who takes out the key to the ignition when a guy pulls up to a stoplight, but what about the time that the same girl was sitting in a lounge and starting screaming at the top of her lungs that the guy was trying to kill her with his straw? The guy sat there cool as a cucumber and when it was all over they got engaged.

I was on a date with a guy once and he asked me to drive his car, I kid you not, he actually wanted me to drive – of course I got pulled over because I refused to wear a seat belt, but he was satisfied anyway because he was testing to see whether I would be natural to place the seat belt on me when I got in the drivers seat.

I was recently out with a girl at a nice lounge in the city, we were sitting and suddenly when I crossed my legs I felt myself hit something under the table, the next thing I knew it, her blackberry that she had been using to text under the table while I was pouring my heart out to her was flung into the air and despite her desperate pleas for help – plunged into the fountain we were sitting near – it was interesting and taught me a lesson “never text under the table during a date”

Did you hear the one about the girl who rejected a guy for saving her life because he touched her so casually? Well, unfortunately this recently happened and the girl died for her foolishness – she was drowning and she refused to be saved by any of the men present and since there were no women there she chose to drown, rather than be on public record as being touched by a man who was not her husband – foolish indeed.

There a slew of items that can get you rejected by either party:

It has been common for someone to say they learned in Lakewood, even though they may not have been at BMG, heck people who went to day school in Manalipan have been known to lie about learning in Lakewood on their shidduch resumes and shadchanim have been cracking down.

Don’t have a shabbos lamp in your home? Better think of getting one, because not having one means you may accidentally bump into your wife while she’s a niddah – big problems bud.

Red chrain is in, forget the white – it’s for non-frum Jews.

Moscato diasti is considered untznius by many, God knows why, but I would stick to a nice Cab if you want to marry off those children of yours.

Rumor has it, that many parents want to know how their future childrens inlaws check their produce for bugs, they have gone so far as to see if families have veggie wash, light boxes and magnifying glasses around the kitchen, but if you have no produce it means your child has the propensity to be obese and there’s nothing worse (besides being over 23) than being more than a size 2 – ladies you may want to consider taking up an eating disorder to improve your shidduch resumes.