Slimy Shmuli: The Hot Chanie Counterpart
Guest Post by Talia G.
Everyone knows that Hot Chanies are the frum-but-sexy women, mainly based in Flatbush and the 5 Towns, who tend to wear sexy sheitels, tight leather and denim skirts (but of course long enough to cover the knees, at least in a standing position), and eat sushi and their uber-expensive foreign-sounding Starbucks coffees. While their husbands have only been called hockers as of yet, there’s a new term for the Hot Chanie Husband: Slimy Shmuli.
Introduced to me by Gila Manolson (of The Magic Touch fame), Slimy Shmulis are the male counterpart to your typical Hot Chanie.
Clothing: Since they’re all loaded (someone’s gotta make money to support Hot Chanies’ expensive shopping habits), it’s the typical pinstriped Armani-type suit, expensive leather shoes, etc.
Yarmulke: Black velvet is a given, and a black hat for shul and simchas.
Job: No one’s entirely sure, but he’s usually in real estate or some sort of shady business that he doesn’t declare on his taxes.
Car: Some sort of luxury car, like a Lexus or Escalade, seating approximately ten because the Hot Chanie wife wants to keep up with the Steins and have the same amount of kids as the rest of her circle of friends (minimum five or six, preferably with a set of twins thrown in).
House: Unconditionally huge, after all Hot Chanies have to live in the lap of luxury. Half-circle driveway and thirty-foot tall columns with a chandelier (yes, chandelier outside the house but let’s not forget the multiple chandeliers inside the house), multiple wings to the house (and of course the team of maids have their own wing because who wants them anywhere near the kids), and always in a phase of construction. Despite all the money he’s invested into it, the Slimy Shmuli rarely sees the inside of the house because he’s too busy making deals outside the home.
Relationship with Kids: Um…there’s a relationship? After conception there’s very little contact, they might make a two or three-minute appearance at the bat/bar mitzvah but that’s the end of it.
Relationship with Hot Chanie Wife: Pretty much same as with kids – after conception of children very little contact, except for when Chanie needs more money or another credit card for her shopping/eating habits.
Where They Can Be Found: Wherever a Hot Chanie can be found…Flatbush, 5 Towns, LA, London, occasionally a sighting on the Upper West Side, and Miami during vacation times.
Technology: Bluetooth is a given (are there waterproof Bluetooths for the shower?). Two Blackberrys, one for deals and one for personal business, with the Bluetooth connected to both (is that even possible? I guess Slimy Shmulis are rich enough to make it possible).