Kosher Toilet Bowl Cleaner

Someone on my backup facebook account sent me this picture he snapped of kosher toilet bowl cleaner and yes it makes one think how extreme the kashrus industry can go and if we should even trust an industry which doesn;t feel like it’s even stealing by having someone pay for a symbol on a product that no animal would even eat. I can’t remember the last time I cooked soup and served it out of the toilet bowl or produced expelled something good enough to eat, but maybe the Rabbis are scared of a two girls one toilet bowl situation happening with frum girls and they don;t want to take any chances.

I do get a lot of questions via email asking me as to why there are kosher symbols on various products like tissues, plums and detergents. All of those are things that may actually need to be kosher, detergent is used to wash clothing and sometimes when something falls on your clothing it may soak up some of the detergent residue and you may be over the issur of eating treife laundry detergent. Some of you may have noticed that those little fruit tags that tell you where the cheapest slave labor available to pick your fruit came from have started to contain a small OU on them, I laughed at this the first time I saw it, but I finally understood the genius behind the folks who run the OU. They were able to convince thousands of Charedim to eat fruit, to discover that there is joy in natural foods besides for kugels and cholents. Now Charedim can find kosher fruit around the world, without having to check those complicated lists in foreign countries that tell you waht you can eat without a hechsher.

Making fruit officially kosher really was a brilliant idea, whether or not you agree with the fanaticism, I sure as hell don’t, you have to give the OU marks for getting a fruit company to pay to have their fruit certified kosher. I wonder if these “place your hechsher on the craziest things possible” salespeople go to a special school for this? You can’t just be any old salesman when it comes to convincing a bottled water company to allow rabbis to make their water officially kosher, besides for being an affront to a pure spring water company that guarantees their water is pure, this seems a bit much to stomach. So this salesman would have to go to the water company with a rigged microscope and try to prove that these microscopic bugs that frum people may see, will bring their sales down – suddenly water has to be kosher.

But water, fruit, laundry detergent and tissues are nothing in comparison to toilet bowl cleaner. I should have also mentioned that the post kiddush club puke fests in shul bathrooms may lead to splashback and if the toilet bowl cleaner happened to have treife in it and happened not to be toxic you may have a problem, sure it’s an accident, but who knows how we will be judged for consuming minute amounts of puke mixed with toilet bowl water that touched treife toilet bowl cleaner in beis din shel maala? This could be a serious offense for someone on such a high madreiga that has a heter for drinking obscene amounts of booze during the haftorah, sure if you;re some regular old shmo following along in the artscroll who happens to feel nauseous this may not matter, but for someone on such a high madreiga as to be invited to the kiddush club in the first place, oy, I don;t even want to imagine what satan is planning up there.

What if you drop your yamrulke in the toilet? This is more likely for the frummer sect who think that it’s beged isha to wear bobby pins or clips and therefore has a likelier chance of stray yarmulke accidents. I know my yarmulke has ended up in plenty of toilets, now what if you’re one of those kids that chews on his yarmulke? Tell me that’s not assur? In fact that may even be sechita if it happens on shabbos.

Now what if there’s chometz in the toilet bowl cleaner? They say that toilet bowls are very clean and it’s possible for you to get benefit from the knowledge that your toilet bowl is cleanest on the block. So if there was chometz in the toilet bowl cleaner, the OU could now let you know this fact with the little dash with a P next to it, you get a mitzvah for being that much more OCD about passover cleaning and the OU makes bank by price gouging kosher for pesach toilet bowl cleaner.

It all sounds far fetched, but imagine if they could together a product placement campaign in which some big gedolim were seen cleaning their toilets with kosher toilet bowl cleaner, they may able to pull off one of those celebrity studed advertisements that Kupat Ha’ir likes to pull off, of couse it would be extremely strange to find people who were in dire straits and when they started using the kosher toilet bowl cleaner their prayers for parnassah, shidduch and health were answered.

“I was having trouble finding a shidduch, I did all the segulas, but when I switched from Mr Clean to the strictly kosher toilet bowl cleaner I suddenly found my wife and we lived happily ever after with the knowledge that toilet cleaner saved our lives.”

You gotta admit that it would be good marketing.