Bet you do better in a hat

Forgive me, but I have completely forgotten who sent me this wonderful older advertisement to entice folks into wearing hats, they should totally make a frum one of these. They can show a bunch of Lakewood guys hanging out in one of the four coffee rooms enjoying a cup of Joe while their wives slave away trying to take care of the children, the home, put food on the table and still look fine with a snood and a shabbos robe on just time for you to get home and regale her with adventures from the Talmud about oxen goring each other to prove to her that it’s worth all the pain (but wait if women aren’t allowed to learn gemara, can yeshiva guys talk about their days with their wives?).

It just so happens to be that hats make sense for the average frum man. They add heights and hair, many frum men are lacking in both departments. However one should factor in the wind resistance that comes from wearing a hat to calculate their bittul torah and bitul z’man (both literally mean to waste time instead of learning Torah) times, because when it comes down to it, it may actually be assur to wear a hat.

Imagine if wearing a hat makes you slower in running to do a mitzvah, or makes you late to yeshiva or davening, you got shaved of many milliseconds by not wearing that hat, yet purely for vanity reasons – to cover up bald spots, make yourself appear taller (all products of secular society trying to convince us that baldness and shortness is bad which lead us to do gayvadicke things like wear hats) not to mention the fact that most people wear hats because of peer pressure.

Contrary to what many people think, it’s not more respectful to wear a hat to shul, whoever created that sack of lies really caused a lot of people to be killed (public embarrassment of those non-hat wearers means it was like killing them) I remember the first time someone told me that you have to have a double head covering and wearing a hat is kavod-dicke, honorable my ass – when people wanted to show respect for something they used to take off their hat. Heck, when I went to the Church of the Holy Sepulcher in Jerusalem, those dudes went ape that I had left my hat on – I wonder if it were a black hat if they may have said – oh Jesus would have wanted you to wear a black hat like the rest of Sanhedrin did in those days.

So you may do better in a hat, you surely will if you’re a member of the frum community – we give so much respect to thsoe who wear black hats that when trying to prover something was kosher or frum enough we say things like “I know this black hat guy who eats there” or “I saw this black hat guy watching that movie so it must be kosher” or “He’s a black hat kinda guy.”

I should mention that my yeshiva forced us to wear hats and jackets for all prayers, when my old man and I went hat shopping we went to his friends shop (kova hats) and we walked right out after seeing the prices and went to Sears in Brooklyn (if you want to see some amazing Art Deco original Sears Roebuck Co architecture you need to see that building) and bought my davening hat for $28, it even had a little feather – so you see, like the folks who tell racist jokes but say they have black friends, I can make fun of hat wearers because I wore a hat for 5 years.