Before Rosh Hashanah I hope you will forgive me

Traditionally before Rosh Hashanah people in yeshiva go around and ask everyone to forgive them, they say the words “hey man you mochel me?” and with one or two words “yeh sure, whatever” you are free from all the ways you wronged your neighbor. I almost feel like one should ask for mechilah from people right after they finish with some juicy loshon horah or something, but now I ask you all for forgiveness for all the ways I wronged you.

My personal vidui to you:

I have wronged you (I didn’t deliver the content you wanted and you dropped me from your RSS feed)

I have become perverse (my Jewish porn titles and frum pickup lines weren’t so frum)

I have scorned (of course I have)

I have offended you (I should hope so, lord knows I tried)

I turned you away (your comment got stuck in spam and I couldn’t retrieve it in time to spark a heated debate)

I have perverted (something about shomer negiah loopholes seems to defy what the Rabbis had in mind)

I have sinned (I even admitted it publicly – if this were messianic times I would have been killed many times)

I have not cleaved to the lord (I’m down with cleavage)

I have mocked (indeed I have)

I have ignored (do you know how much email I get, I’m sorry I didn’t get back to you)

I have used excuses (the yetzer harah made me do it I swear)

I have made false promises (if this plane lands I promise I’ll never lust after girls again)

I have lusted (let’s take the neo-chassidic house party approach and thank God that it’s not men I’m lusting after)

I have acted wantonly (I swear I thought the wantons were kosher – I could never figure out what this meant)

I have overslept (but I started setting an alarm)

I have looked over the mechitza (good thing there are no single ladies where I live)

I have looked at lewd images (not my fault google images safe mode isn’t that “safe”)

I have dined with heretics (my Atheist friend took me out to lunch – free food cancels out the heretic part)

I have spoken slander (I’m sorry about this one – slander blows)

I have thought evil thoughts (every 12 seconds according to statistics, but I’m a romantic, so it’s more lovely than evil)

I have given the finger to other motorists (not much in California, it was all in NY)

I have betrayed you (you will all notice that the famous sex post is gone)

I have missed z’man kriyas shema (almost every day)

I have not learned (I guess birhcas hatorah counts as koveah ittim but who am I fooling)

I have acted brazenly (another vidui I don’t understand)

I have stayed in the passing lane (seriously sorry for that)

I have driven under the speed limit (I never go that fast here in California)

I have dissed (your kiddush sucked)

I have spilled my seed (sunflower seeds are hard to manage while driving)

I’m sure there’s more, but that’s it for now. I hope you will all forgive me for any way in which I have wronged you. I forgive you all for the following, I forgive you for not donating money, not taking out an ad, not interviewing me for your newspaper or magazine, not hooking me up with girls, not trying to get me married, not commenting enough, saying nasty things about me, defriending me on facebook, canceling comedy shows, not coming to my shows, accusing me of insert something you could accuse me of, not taking me out for dinner, not flying me to Israel to hang out with you, not inviting me to your ski house, I’m sure there’s more – but you are all forgiven for every vow, oath or cherem – I retroactively forgive you and you are forgiven for you have been forgiven.