Guest post by Kissmeimshomer
While I’m on the topic of the evils of drinking I figured I’d make a list of different scenarios in which different people have a drink…or two…or ten.
1. Yeshiva Guy Headline Whore:
Favorite Activity: smoking and talking about the time Yanky’s older brother beat up a goy. Oh, and he also likes to brag about how long it takes his Yeshiva to get through an amud gemara.
Drink of Choice: alcohol. Doesn’t matter what type, he barely knows a beer from a kettel one with 3 limes.
Time of Drinking: Purim and by his brother Yerucham’s siyum. He finished gantz seder nashim! (can’t blame him- must’ve gotten sick of cows goring fat pregnant chics, figured he’d get into some steamy girl stories. With Rabbi’s students getting off under their Rabbi’s bed watching him fuck his wife. Nasty. But I’ll parody the different gemara stuff another post.
Most likely to be wearing: The younger guys: Nike sneakers, dark dockers and a polo- maybe ralph Lauren, more likely Tommy or maybe even Hollister for the realll cool guys.
Older guys: white shirt, tzitzis, black pants and huge yarmulka. hat and jacket goes without saying. Or maybe not, if he’s a hocker.
Motive: Bragging rights. Heck, maybe he’ll get into the Yated for landing himself in the hospital.
2. Oiveid Hashem:
Favorite activity: The fact that your even asking vos ich hub leeb tzu tun, is mamesh a geferlecheh chillul hashem! The only thing vos a yeshiva man want, the most important zach i deh velt vus mir ken tun, iz tzu lernen der eibeshters heiligeh heligeh torah ayayayy…
Drink of Choice: wine or schnapps.
Time of Drinking: Purim is the only time a year that ah mentch is shayach to reach the kedusha oof Yom Kippur! And even better vibalt it’s durch simcha! Nichnas yayin yatzah soid! Ah! Moiiiiredig! Chayav inish livisoomay bipoorayah ad diloh yada! And the Mitzvah is only with wine…
Also noch davening shabbos morning at the kiddush, a shot or two of bourbon never hurt anyone…
Most likely to be wearing: wrinkled white shirt, black shiny dress pants and mismatched black jacket. Dusty used-to-be-black but turned grey brimmed down hat. Shoes scuffed and ugly.
Motive: Ah mentch darf nisht hubben ah ta’am far deenin der eibeshter.
3. Dude in Israel for Shana Alef or Bet:
Favorite activity: Depending on which Yeshiva he went to (also for another post) either going to Zolly’s and getting blowjobs in the bathroom or fucking the shit out of the yeshivish looking sem girl in his dorm room. But they’ll always be sure not to get caught…might ruin the chics shidduch chances. Ha- that slut will be wearing short shorts and tank tops within 6 weeks of getting back from Israel.
Drink of Choice: Hooka. Oh, its not a drink? Well some pot in the hooka mixed with some vodka redbull ain’t too bad a deal.
Time of Drinking: best is straight out of bed, after you manage to push her off you and realize you have a pounding headache and no memories of how or when you ordered pizza. And why it’s moldy is another question, for another time. And best thing for a hangover as they say is more beer. Can’t hurt, that’ for sure. Usually warm beer from a half drunk can which probably was last touched by the lips of the girl you just climbed out from under. And shes also the cause of all that goddam itching. Good luck brotha!
Most likely to be wearing:
Option 1: Baggy khakhis, rumpled t-shirt, naots.
Option 2: Jeans, untucked american eagle shirt, naots.
Option 3: Black pants, used to be starched untucked white shirt and crocs, probably dark in color. Or maybe bright orange. Depends- on what? I dunno.
Motive: survival, buddy, survival.
4. Post Israel Barely Religious Dude
I like to call these guys Frum But Not Religious. They don’t keep anything but still go places for shabbos and eat at mainly kosher establishments even tho they’ll be using their cell phones on shabbos and have bacon egg and cheese on the way to Atlantic City if they somehow missed stopping at Dunkin on 18th.
Favorite Activity: Titties. And don’t tell me that’s not an activity. Better than Christmas!
This guy drinks a lot:
Time of drinking, drink of choice and motive: A. House party, flat beer from a keg and jack and coke, getting with the drunk slut. Read drunk slut in the plural form. As in when I talk to 300 ppl at once and say “you”. And btw who the fuck said there has to be a motive??
B. Club, Vodka cranberry orange juice, getting with- well anything that moves and has boobs. Cuz most guys end up paying through the roof for those drinks, unless they have a hookup ( I know I do, many actually :p) so they must be desperate at that point. Like my friend said- fat chics are great for one thing- giving great blowjobs, well cuz they know how to eat!
C. Hooka bar: don’t get me started.
Most likely to be wearing: Fitted t or nice shirt. Jeans, brown pointy shoes with dragon designs on the front.
5. Post Party Day Ex Yeshiva Rebel:
Favorite Activity: Making money. Loads of money. And then some.
Time of Drinking: After work on random nights at high end hotel bars where they play soft music and in the movies some hooker always sits down and with the look of a shrewd business woman, softly whispers something in his ear while her hand…I’m getting carried away, dammit.
Drink of Choice: Scotch on the rocks. Something golden in a nice glass should do the trick.
Motive: so much stress can only be relieved one way…
Most likely to be wearing: Armani suit, shirt and dress shoes. And if he used to be satmar….he probably still has his bluetooth in…
My notes: While I don’t agree with all of this, I mostly posted this because I absolutely loved remembering how many times I heard guys in yeshiva brag about people they knew who beat up goyim or got into fights with black dudes (they used the terminology shvartze) It was such BS, on the same level as guys talking about how much action they got over the last out shabbos. I also can’t really know if any of this is true because I don’t drink much accept for dry red wine, chardonnay and the occasional beer.