Someone once told me that everything was about sex and money, but in my opinion it’s all really about the sex and money andI am going to attempt to prove that it’s all about one or the other, in most cases both.
Kollel: If you have the money you get to learn in kollel, if your wives family has the money you can learn there too, if you are good looking, have good yichus or are a great scholar, you can get a good wife, which means she either has looks, money or good yichus. Good yichus could be bought so it comes down to money. Although sex is part of it, because in order to have kids, we have to do untznius things like have sex.
Yeshiva: Even if you don’t have money you can send your kids to yeshiva, but you have to work the streets in order to do it.
Shul: It takes money to build the shul, the mechitza is there so we don’t have sex instead of listening to chazaras hashatz. This Kiddush is sponsored by so and so. If you’re modern the Kiddush is mixed and it provides a good venue to set up for wife swapping and if it’s separate, the people are thinking about sex instead of arranging it.
Conversion: If you can’t afford to convert, you can always have a threesome with your rabbi and his wife.
Community Politics: It’s all about power, which is really money.
Marriage: Premarital sex is assur, but if you or you’re parents don’t have money – you may have to break a few halacha’s.
Gay Marriage: It’s cool if they don’t have sex with each other, but if they don’t consummate the marriage – they aren’t halachically married, oy it’s a catch 22.
Visiting Day: The only time when girls and boys from the camps can see each other and think about sex, they only get to see each other if the parents can afford to shlep through route 17 traffic and take their kids to Wal Mart and Woodbourne to see those girls they want to have sex with.
Monsey: It costs a lot of money to live in Monsey and everyone is so sex crazed that they have mechitzas on the busses. The kabbalists said that if you take out the S from Monsey you get Money and the S is for sex.
Chassidim: They have no money, which probably explains why they have a lot of sex for entertainment.
Yom Kippur: Clop your chest for thinking it’s all about sex and money, when it’s really all about going to that tropical Island in the sky.
Kohen Gadol: He didn’t have to work, got to wear expensive jewels and never had an emission during services. Talented, because everyone I know has random seminal emissions during their holy services.
Gemara: If your ox isn’t goring another and requesting damage payments, you may be falling naked off a roof into a naked chick lying below the roof and wondering if she’s still a virgin.
Modern Orthodoxy: They go to college to make money and while there they debate that wearing pants is fine because skirts are more likely to expose themselves in wind gusts – sex and money once again.
Chabad: If you don’t have yichus and aren‘t a member of the Gezhe Clan you probably have unbelievable fundraising skills and will ensure yourself a beautiful wife. The rebbe did say that chabad girls were going to blessed with beauty.
Non-Jews: Well you don’t have to return their wallets if they lose them and you can practice your tashmish hamitah with their daughters.
Arbah Minim: They are super expensive and we wave them around like penises poking each other during hoshana rabbah.
Pesach: We had no money, but luckily the women bore 6 kids at one time so we could apply for earned income tax credits from the Egyptian government.
Sheitles: Cover your hair so only your husband could see it, but make it so sexy that everyone looks at you anyway and wants to have sex with you – did I mention they cost a bit of money.
Kiruv: Seek out large donors so that they could make their subjects into small donors and get them to marry other donors so they could make more donors.
You see folks – it’s all about the sex and money..I could go on and on, but must get to work