Jewish internet dating rant

In an effort to relive the glory days of Frum Satire, before anyone actually read this blog I am re-posting certain posts with edits. This was originally published on June 25th, 2006 – the first day of this blog.

It used to be that online dating was taboo for frummies every where, until our good friend Frumster came along — offering a convenient place for frummies everywhere (mostly in Brooklyn and Monsey) to describe how they wanted to be seen and not have to deal with nosy prying shadchanim. To the dismay of yiddishe mamalas everywhere, the masses have flocked to frumster and have left a gaping hole for these bubbies whose sole purpose in life was to make mazto balls and set up their granddaughters with a nice mentch.

Frumster was supposed to be a way to think out of the box, to let frum people say that they were “frum but with it- seeks young israel type that wears size 6 velvet yarmulke, but goes to movies” Before long, Frumster turned into just another venue for uninteresting singles to portray how pathetic they really were. First came the categories of religiosity. What is the difference between Orthodox and Shomer Mitzvot? It beats the heck out of me. What if you find that girl that’s all frum and suddenly you notice that her profile states that she is interested in only partial head covering. All of a sudden, your dreams are up in smoke because her bangs have not receded behind her $3,000 fall.

Frumster has provided a venue for judgementalism before we can even be judged. Yep, before you even get to what a person is actually like you notice the horrifying Body Type: average – this is the worst one because you never know what you’re gonna get. Everyone puts average – “my mamma used to say life is like a frumster chick — you never know what you’re gonna get” (must be said in Forrest Gump voice)

What exactly does Frum but with it mean? Does it mean you are frum but on the inside you are a Williamsburg hipster, or are you some vegan, anti conformist, lesbian under your Bais Yaakov uniform? Or maybe you are really some frummy who is really interested in other things such as ante bellum houses, Andy Warhol, and 80s hair bands, but can’t say so to any of your freinds because you will be cast off onlysimchas, and thrown out of your Sternberg reunion party at the Glatt Wok.

Hobbies- is shopping, hanging out with friends, and Netflix considered a list of hobbies? Or how about going to shul, eating kishke, and watching yeshiva boys in Woodburne, is this a hobby? Yes they are indeed- but if you’re trying to get married and meet someone different why not write something unique?

How about the “how I describe” myself section: My friends think I am attractive, smart, funny, inteligent, kind, etc.. are you going to write my friends think you are ugly, fat, dumb, and extremely mean? I did not think so…why don’t you write unique things like passionate, excited about life, artsy, talented, etc…

Oh and my fave if is the I would like to meet section- I want a smart, attractive, tall, learned, rich caring man… Yes we all know what you want now write something to set you apart from all the rest of the Jewish bozos out there.